Starry Night
by Annoret
Summary: Midnight Sun's missing second half - or at least my version of it! More Chapters to come. :D Please R&R and hopefully enjoy!
1. Chapter 1 Family Choices

_Ok. So I just finished Stephenie's Midnight Sun, Edward's POV throughout Twilight. And of course, loved it. And hated the fact that she stopped almost dead in the middle of it. I understand why she stopped, and I understand that she has no plans currently to finish it. Gah. Since I have EOD (Edward Obsessive Disorder) and know that many of you suffer under the same malady, I have decided to try my own version to satisfy the need. _

_The first small section in bold, of course, is taken straight from Midnight Sun._

_Of course, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. More power to her._

"**Oh, Bella?" **

"**Yes?"**

"**Tomorrow it's my turn." **

**Her forehead puckered. "Your turn to what?"**

"**Ask the questions". Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded by witnesses, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought and then turned away, because she made no move to leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of the electricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out too, to walk her to the door as an excuse to stay beside her…**

**No more mistakes. I hit the gas, then sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever to have any peace.**

**Chapter One: Family Choices**

I drove home quickly, without paying attention to the road in front of me. I thought about my earlier idea – that she needed me here to protect her. The discipline and work it would take to make myself safe enough for her to be with me. Her vampire angel. I breathed in her scent, still lingering in the car, letting it rip down my throat, scorching me. And that reminded me of my mistake earlier today – I'd not been strong enough to keep from touching her. The memory of her petal soft skin under my fingers, the sight of her blush and the _heat_… I thought about sitting in the dark classroom, still as a statue, arms crossed, caught between trying to ignore the electricity that jumped between us and wanting to relish it, revel in it. Wanting to touch her. And realizing she wanted to touch me, too. The best – and worst – part. I closed my fist again, savoring the memory of the tingle she'd left on my skin. I realized that a part of me didn't _want_ to be strong enough – and that part had taken over. Unacceptable if I was going to try and develop my discipline enough to stay with Bella. Which forced the images of Alice's vision from lunch to the front of my brain; Bella limp, white and drained, soul gone from the chocolate eyes – and me, the monster who was responsible.

_No. _Abruptly, my being simply encapsulated that one word. Alice had to be wrong…

I pulled up into the empty garage, and heard the thoughts of my family. I was expecting uproar…and was not disappointed. But listening briefly, it wasn't as bad as I'd been expecting. I didn't think I'd have to hide my car from Rosalie.

"_We're in the dining room."_ Carlisle.

I closed my mind to their thoughts as I walked into the house. I probably should have been thinking about how to deal with _this_, knowing the storm that was waiting for me. Distracting me as Bella had, it'd been pushed to the backburner of my brain.

Carlisle sat at the end of the long table, looking concerned, with Esme seated on his right, her emotions in constant flux on her face – worry, hope, alarm. Alice was standing to their right, and she examined me carefully – she'd known the reactions to her vision I would be having. Jasper had placed himself behind her, almost in the corner, and was silently fuming at what he considered my betrayal. Rosalie and Emmet were on the left of the table. Emmet dared not touch his wife in the rage she was now in. He seemed almost happily resigned; after all, Alice's earlier vision had shown the possibility of Bella joining our family, something he was particularly agreeable to. Rosalie, of course, did not share this feeling. Neither did I.

"What have you _done_ to us?! How could you have placed us all in this danger? _Again?!"_ she screeched as soon as I was in the room. _"How could he be so selfish?! And they call _me_ the selfish one!" _Maybe I would have to hide the car…

I decided to ignore her, and turned to Alice.

"Show me." I'd ignored the vision as best I could earlier, but I needed to see with clarity now. I needed to see the monster I _might_ be – so I could know better how _not_ to be. Alice complied – knowing that showing me might just change the outcome.

The images played behind my eyes; my little meadow, Bella and I sitting too near one another, I could see that Bella had gotten too, too close to me. I could almost smell her breath on my face, could see the blood rush to her cheeks – and I saw myself give in to the monster within, taking her pathetically weak body in my arms and locking my teeth onto her neck, draining her dry. I also saw that Bella did not try to stop me. Not once. The pain that coursed through my body at seeing this was worse, somehow, than the scorching thirst she provoked in me. Alice cut off the images – and I saw my pain echoed on her pixie face.

Carlisle cleared his throat, getting my attention.

"Edward, this is a risk…one that I'm not sure that you should have taken. For Bella's sake. You know we keep humans in the dark for their own safety."

"She wasn't all that safe when she was ignorant of our nature," I pointed out.

Rosalie broke in. "Of all the selfish reasons, that is the worst."

"Rosalie, Carlisle…I still don't see Bella telling anyone," Alice chimed in. "I see you taking her there, to the meadow – but it's another crossroads, Edward. You apparently don't get to make the choice till you're there. It's fifty-fifty right now." Rosalie continued to silently rage.

Carlisle wasn't finished with me. "I also don't think you have taken into consideration the feelings of your family. Your priorities have…changed." He was…hurt. I was instantly contrite. _"Is she that important to you, son?"_

"Yes." I confirmed both his statement and question. I went on, knowing now that I'd hurt the feelings of my family with my behavior.

"I wish I could make you understand…It was never a conscious thought to tell Bella about our…nature. She is too observant for her own good…" I trailed off. How to tell your family you still love them, but that suddenly, someone else was more important – so much so that you'd just put all their lives in jeopardy - without hurting their feelings _more_?

"I understand." Jasper's slow drawl shocked me. Radiating from him were waves of compassion, his mind filled with images of Alice and his fiercely protective feelings for her. Jasper didn't completely understand why I'd feel these emotions for a human, especially Bella, whose scent appealed to my thirst _so_ much – but he understood the mire of emotions I was experiencing. And I understood why, when Bella first posed a threat to us, after the accident, he'd felt compelled to try and end Bella's life. Protect Alice. At all costs, even if it damaged the family. Which was why he'd agreed not to hunt Bella – so that he could avoid hurting Alice. His priorities, now, exactly lined up with mine. If I ended up killing her – I shied away from the thought – he'd know what agony I'd be in, even if he did think it would solve the problem.

Rosalie looked as shocked as I'd felt. "What?! Jasper, you can't be serious! This is not something that can be overlooked!"

Jasper turned to her; he allowed the waves of compassion that had been flooding me to flow to her. Gently, he spoke. "Rosalie, what would you have done if Emmet had just been another hiker, had not been mauled by the bear? Would you, could you have left him? Having caught sight of his face? Seen his smile?" A long speech for Jasper.

Rosalie scowled. "_Damn it. But really, _her_?"_

"Yes, Rose. Her." I said quietly.

She sneered at me. I raised an eyebrow at her. She didn't push it. Emmet flung an arm around her, and pushed his face into her hair.

My mother broke the small silence. "Edward, the choice is yours. Again. Bella apparently trusts you. I trust you will do what's right – for her and for us. Trust yourself. If this is what you need, if _she_ is what you need, then it's right."

Carlisle looked hopeful. "I know you can find the strength – you've beaten all our expectations before now. We'll be here for you." _"Whatever happens. I am proud, son."_

I nodded, grateful for his belief in me, however much I didn't deserve it.

Alice piped up. "You're going out tonight." She had an image in her head, one of Bella in her sleep, with me sitting in the rocking chair. I pleaded her with my eyes – I did not wish that the rest of the family – namely Rosalie – know this.

"Yes," I responded carefully.

"You'll be back in time for school." I nodded.

"Then you'd better get a move on!" she smiled. I grinned back at her in gratitude. She wouldn't give up all my secrets.

I ran. Wondering what I'd missed of Bella during the evening.


	2. Chapter 2 Visits and Answers

_Starry Night is my attempt at the last half of Midnight Sun. I have incorporated all dialogue from the original, although I did add some of my own. Of course, all things Twilight belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. More power to her._

**Chapter Two: Visits and Answers**

It was about 10:30pm when I arrived at Bella's house; her room was dark, but the lights in the living room were still on, the television blazing Charlie's current sporting event – hockey. I decided to wait until he went to bed before attending Bella's dreams for the night. It wasn't a long wait; within a half an hour, Charlie clumped his way to his bed and within minutes, his resonant snoring could almost be heard by human ears outdoors.

I scaled the tree quickly and peered into her window; she was apparently restless tonight, had tossed her blankets to the side, her hair splayed everywhere. Once again, I exercised patience; a good thing, too, as a few moments later, her eyes fluttered open, looking around the room briefly, before sinking closed again. She tossed and woke periodically for the next few hours; I waited outside the window, not wishing her to wake and find me there. What could be keeping her awake? What was bothering her? I champed at the bit, not being able to ask her. Not being able to _fix_ it. She needed her sleep. Finally at about 2:00am, she succumbed to deeper slumber. I climbed through the window, eager to see her face, hear her voice. My new addiction.

For a long time, Bella lay peacefully, and I watched in fascination, listening to her breathing, her heart beat. I took a deep breath, letting her delicious scent tear down my throat, getting myself further accustomed to it. I let my breath match hers. A part of my mind processed the earlier discussion my family had had about her – and a thought distracted me. What would Bella think if she knew what upheaval she'd caused us these last weeks? I was beginning to understand some of her peculiar responses and my reasonable guess would be that she'd find it all terribly upsetting and embarrassing. To be the center of attention when she wasn't even around. A part of my mind was relieved that my family would trust in me this much – to put our secret in the hands of a seventeen year old girl. It was...staggering. I could only hope to live up to their trust. A part of my mind worried about our plan – my plan – for the weekend. I _wanted_ to be sure she'd survive it, I _wanted_ to be sure I was strong enough – but not even Alice could give me that. _Fifty-fifty_. I shuddered.

Most of my mind, however, was on the sleeping girl in the bed. Wanting to touch her, not daring to. Feeling my fingers suddenly tingle with the memory of touching her face earlier. I struggled to keep the fantasies at least in check, since they completely refused to be banished altogether. Some vampire guardian angel I was.

Towards dawn, Bella's breathing changed and her eyelids moved – a dream. I didn't have long to wonder about it. She murmured once, longingly, to my hearts' delight.

"Edward."

I let myself out of the window quietly. And ran, feeling the joy would burst me if I didn't. I would have time later for the torment.

I raced into the house to change clothes; Esme hurried down the stairs to intercept me, thoughts full of – dinner? _Human_ food? _Huh?_

"Edward, I want to meet her." I am not often shocked. Obviously. My mother, however, managed to do it.

"I'm not sure that's the best idea." I hedged, thinking about Rosalie's obvious distaste for Bella…and Jasper. Although I'd seen his understanding of my situation, I didn't like trusting his control…and then thought about what a fool I was for that – _I_ didn't trust _his_ control?! I owed him better than that. And probably an apology for my recent treatment of Charlotte and Peter.

"Dear, if you plan to stay with this girl, I think she should know the rest of us. And we should know her." Esme was firm. I floundered.

"After this weekend – after I know what I'm capable of" – after I knew that I wouldn't kill Bella – "we'll talk about it. Maybe. But no _cooking human_ _food_!" I grimaced.

Esme chuckled. "Just a thought. We could put the kitchen to use, for once."

"Definitely not." I made another face. She gave in graciously, and wished me a good day. I raced upstairs, showered and changed, and was back in the Volvo, heading to the new center of my existence.

Today was my day, after all.

I waited around the corner from the house, watching for Charlie's cruiser to leave; within five seconds, my Volvo had replaced it. She emerged from the house a minute later, but hesitated a bit outside the car door. Although I wondered at this, I let her have her moment, trying to be calm for her. She finally climbed in and closed the door – sealing us in with her scent. It continued to scorch my throat and I welcomed it.

"Good morning." I embarrassed myself with the almost-purr in my voice, but I couldn't help it. Bella didn't seem to notice. "How are you today?" I examined her face for signs of fatigue, and noticed the shadows under her eyes.

"Good, thank you." Bella downplayed her restless night. I couldn't let it go.

"You look tired."

She swung her hair over her shoulder and dismissively said, "I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I." I grinned. But it'd been a wonderful night…

She laughed. "I guess that's right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

"I'd wager you did." I agreed, still amused at my own joke. Vampire guardian angel indeed.

"So what did you do last night?" Oh, we were _not_ going there. Fortunately, I had the perfect excuse.

"Not a chance. It's my day to ask the questions." I chuckled.

"Oh, that's right. What did you want to know?" She frowned in consternation, trying to figure out what I might ask – and perhaps why it mattered? The smile left my face. She still underestimated my feelings, if my guess was right. But I couldn't let that stop me.

"What is your favorite color?"

She rolled her eyes – this wasn't an important question? Hmmm. "It changes from day to day."

"What is your favorite color today?"

"Probably brown."

I'd never heard a female claim brown (drab, dry, flat, boring, plain old _brown_) as a favorite color before. I asked skeptically, "Brown?"

"Sure. Brown is warm. I _miss_ brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown – tree trunks, rocks, dirt – is all covered up with squashy green stuff here." Listening to her little impassioned rant, looking into her warm, chocolate _brown_ eyes, I realized she was right, and that I'd stopped associating colors with feelings long ago. Another human quality she was pulling to my surface.

"You're right. Brown is warm." I carefully lifted my hand and swept her _brown_ hair back behind her shoulders. Her heady scent washed over me again.

I looked up to find us at the school already. Apparently I'd let that part of my brain take over while it was doing…more important things.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" So imperative to my selfish nature – would we be compatible on _this_ subject, at least? Bella named a band, and I had to smile – it was one I'd picked out a few months ago. I opened the glove box and fished around till I found it and handed it to her.

"Debussy to this?" she asked incredulously. I raised an eyebrow – she was the only one allowed to have eclectic tastes?

I am not sure if I annoyed her or fascinated her throughout the rest of the day with my questions. With each answer, however, I found myself pulled even further under her spell. With each answer, ten more questions were raised. I quizzed her endlessly on her life in Phoenix – her friends, her mother, the desert. I reasoned, these had made her _Bella _– and I had to know everything I could. I blocked out everyone else – I had no need of anyone's thoughts but Bella's.

"What is your favorite gemstone?" I queried while we sat at our lunch table. And ignored my family.

"Topaz", she answered quickly – then blushed furiously. I was confused; _this _should make her blush? But I'd gotten an honest answer.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Then why are you blushing?" I teased.

"No reason." Ah, my poor little liar.

"Please, tell me." I decided to try dazzling again – but she wouldn't look at me.

"No." Stubborn Bella.

"Why won't you tell me?" I purred. Perhaps persuasion…

"It's embarrassing." She looked just about mortified, which just confused me further. I got commanding – since nothing else had worked.

"Tell me."

"It's the color of your eyes today." She gave in with a breathless whisper.

My heart took flight. My resolve – to not touch her again - almost broke right then and there. I imagined taking her fragile face in my hands, brushing my lips across hers... Bella went on. "I suppose if you asked me again in two weeks, I'd say onyx."

When I would need to hunt.

End of flight.

She'd noticed my pause, however. I moved on.

"What kinds of flowers do you prefer?"

Every answer she gave me was filed away – to be processed and compiled later, while she slept. Throughout the day, however, I began to feel that I could know all the facts about her there were – but she'd forever be a mystery to me.

Once again in Biology, Mr. Banner wheeled in the audio/visual cart and we were submerged into the dark again. Knowing it was coming, I'd moved my chair fractionally from Bella's, hoping to lessen the impact we'd both apparently felt yesterday.

No such luck.

The moment the lights were out, the electricity was palpable between us. Bella had noticed – too observant again – that I'd made an effort to put distance there. She put her arms on the table and pillowed her head on them. I spent the hour staring at her hair cascading down her slender shoulders and back; once without my permission my hand drifted towards her and I called it viciously back. It reluctantly obeyed. Again, I could have stayed with her in the dark, just feeling the electric tension between us.

The lights went on and Bella sighed – was it relief? Regret? Which? And why? I didn't know. I almost hissed in frustration.

In silence we walked to the gym, and a part of my brain noted Mike Newton ahead of us, but apparently looking for something…or someone.

"_Where is she? Is she going to ditch with Cullen? It's really not fair – I _did_ see her first!"_

Mike's concept that he'd "called dibs" really irritated me – as if Bella had no choice but to submit to the first male to come along and claim her. He had no idea – that she'd claimed _me_. That_ I_ was the one she'd said yes to. He saw us standing in the door and the hate he felt for me boiled out of him. Male instincts shot to my surface in response and took over at the door to the gym. Bella stopped and turned to me, to say goodbye. I captured her eyes with mine then slowly raised my hand, brushing the back of it along her face from temple to jaw. I didn't trust my fingers at this point – too easy to cup her face, not enough control to do it without pulling her toward my face to kiss her. With a last look into her wide eyes, the depths of which dazzled me again, I walked away, all thought of Newton forgotten.

I spent the next hour analyzing the tingling sensations running along the back of my hand. And couldn't find it within myself to consider it a mistake.

I leaned against the wall outside of the gym door waiting for her. She exited and looked quickly for me, the angelic smile spreading across her face when she did eliciting one of my own.

I drove her home, and we sat in the car for hours, ignoring the deluge outside while she answered a fraction of the questions I had for her. Bella talked with her hands about the desert, painting its beauty for me. I quizzed her about the house she'd lived in, the school she'd attended, music she listened to the most, her favorite books. I could have sat there and listened to her sweet voice forever. I found myself more relaxed than I would have thought possible. It was getting easier to deal with the burning in my throat, with her scent constantly around me. We were also good with comfortable silences.

Or so I thought.

"Are you done?" Bella asked in relief.

"Not even close – but your father will be home soon."

"Charlie! How late is it?" She was a bit alarmed, and took in the lateness of the afternoon. Sunset always had a melancholic effect on me. And today it was exacerbated – I would soon have to leave her presence.

"Its twilight," I murmured wistfully, looking into her eyes. "It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time…but also the saddest, in a way…the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"

"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars." She frowned at her own comment. "Not that we see them much here." I had to chuckle at that. Little did she know how much she'd already lit up my eternal night.

"Charlie will be here in a few minutes…so unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Saturday…" I hinted.

"Thanks but no thanks," she Bella replied grimly, gathering her things. "Does this mean it's my turn tomorrow?" Hopeful Bella.

"Certainly not!" I played at mock outrage. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

"What more is there?" she sighed.

"You'll find out tomorrow." I said smugly. I reached across her body to open the door for her, putting her face in very close proximity to mine. Her heart reacted, racing erratically. That may have been enough to stop me for a second or two, but it was the truck approaching that held my attention and paralyzed me briefly. Two Quileuetes. An Elder and a teenage boy. Was this the Jacob Black that Bella had told me about – that had unwittingly broken our treaty? A swift read told me, yes, it was. And his father. The boys' thoughts were certainly filled with Bella. The male instincts that had raged to my surface earlier with Mike Newton's proximity reared up again. A part of my brain – a small part – acknowledged that the child's romantic fantasy was much less vulgar than Newton's. However, the subject of his fantasy was _Bella_. Unacceptable. But there was something else there… I couldn't quite make sense of it. I was frustrated. His father's – Billy's - thoughts focused on Charlie, planning an apology of sorts – the human male kind, where they both pretend there was never a problem, share alcohol and watch a sporting event. All of us being here at the same time was not…prudent. I needed to leave. The venom flooded my mouth. I swallowed it.

Bella asked, "What is it?" Observant as usual, she'd gleaned that the source of my hesitation was not due to her. I glanced at her. Oops. Able to _really_ take in how close her face was, how _good_ she smelled…I reeled in the male instinct with a large force of will. Too large. Who knows what they would make of Bella in my presence? Probably the worst. My protective urges were compelling me to stay…but with Charlie here, it was impossible. And I would come right back after ditching the car.

"Another complication." I flung the door open and backed off quickly, hoping she wouldn't take it as rejection. But I could not put her in this position. She didn't get out immediately.

"Charlie's around the corner." I warned her. She jumped out and shut the door, but stood in the rain.

The trucks' lights washed over me, allowing them to see me. Here. The Elder's gaze fell on me, his eyes widening as he recognized me, his thoughts suddenly alarmed. I pulled quickly away from the house.

I called Carlisle while I raced home. He answered immediately.

"Edward! What can I do for you?" His light tone belied the worry in his voice.

"Carlisle, Bella is fine. At home. With Billy and Jacob Black." Knowing he would recognize the names. Unable to keep the stress out of my voice.

Hesitation on the other end.

"Edward, I know that this may be hard for you to accept, but I believe that she's perfectly safe. There are no more werewolves on the reservation."

"They saw me with Bella."

"And they'll see for themselves that she's just fine." Carlisle was firm. "Are you coming home?"

"Yes, but I will not be staying."

"Son, I know you will do what is right – and that would be preserving the treaty. They pose no threat to Bella, you know this."

Intellectually, yes…instinctually, I was an enraged male. I took a deep unnecessary breath…and Bella's scent ripped down my throat.

Yes, _they_ posed no threat to Bella.

I did.

"I will be home in the morning." I promised my father, the change in my mood apparent from my voice.

"I know you will be, son." Carlisle was satisfied. I hung up.

I left the car in the garage at home and ran back to Bella's.


	3. Chapter 3 Knife's Edge

_Starry Night is my attempt at the last half of Midnight Sun, Edwards' POV for Twilight. I have incorporated all dialogue from the original, although I did add some of my own. This particular chapter in Twilight is LONG – and I've had to split it into two, as Edward needs his space! LOL! I do apologize for the long hiatus; sometimes you just can't get away from RL._

_Of course, all things Twilight belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. More power to her._

Yes, _they_ posed no threat to Bella.

I did.

"I will be home in the morning." I promised my father, the change in my mood apparent from my voice.

"I know you will be, son." Carlisle was satisfied. I hung up.

I left the car in the garage at home and ran back to Bella's.

**Chapter 3: Knife's Edge**

I'd needed the reminder that_ I_ was the monster – the one who was the most dangerous to Bella, the one who currently only had a fifty-fifty chance of preserving her life –_ from myself_. I wouldn't – couldn't - bear to leave her for the whole night, but I could remember my responsibilities. No treaty would be broken tonight.

Ignoring the rain that continued to sheet down, I perched in the tree outside Bella's window. I listened carefully. And watched Bella through the eyes of the others.

Charlie's thoughts, as usual, were hard to distinguish but he seemed fairly focused on the game; he was content – especially with Billy to enjoy the evening. Billy's thoughts, however, continued to fluctuate between the memory of seeing Bella with me and concern that bordered on alarm, and the game. However, he seemed to have come to the conclusion that no harm had come to Bella - yet. He played briefly with the idea of trying to warn Charlie about me – but his memory played back the reason for this "make up". Charlie had, apparently, taken Billy and the rest of the Quileute Elders to task for their mistrust of Dr. Cullen – my father. It surprised me a little to find a defender in Charlie, but it did please me. Selfishly. Like his daughter, he had no idea with what she was getting involved. But Billy didn't want to upset Charlie again and possibly lose the friendship.

Neither man really focused for more than a few seconds on Bella, to my dismay. That left me with Jacob, as no other option. I sighed.

_"Her skin is so creamy. I bet it's soft. She said she was friends with Cullen – I wonder how _good_ a friend? _Boy_friend? Can't be. She'd have said so. I could still have a chance…A year and a half age difference is not all that much – and I'm already so much taller than she is, it really shouldn't matter at all."_ Jacob's eyes found Bella often. Too often. The raging jealousy I'd identified just a few days ago reared up again, making it hard to think. It wasn't a comfortable feeling – too new. Part of me found it absolutely ludicrous to be jealous of the child in the house, basking in Bella's presence. Rationally, I knew he posed no threat. Emotionally…I seethed.

Through Jacob's eyes (all the while trying to immediately – and futilely - forget his thoughts as soon as they ran through his head) I studied Bella's body language. I was relieved to see that she was no more than friendly with Jacob and I chided myself briefly for my jealousy. Bella seemed tense, however, and also appeared to be trying to hide it. She obviously had no interest in the television and I wondered why she didn't excuse herself to do homework. She stole glances occasionally at Billy, as if waiting for him to say something. Then it dawned on me (brilliant, am I?) that she was waiting for Billy to warn Charlie about me – just like I'd been. Now that I'd seen Billy's conclusions, however, I knew that we were safe – well, I was safe, in any case. I fought the urge to somehow signal her and tell her she had nothing to worry about, comfort her. See her. I cautioned myself to patience – I'd be in her room soon enough.

Finally the game ended.

"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked hopefully. He imagined holding her hand, walking down First Beach. I swallowed a growl.

Hesitantly, Bella replied, "I'm not sure."

"That was fun, Charlie," Billy said.

"Come up for the next one." Charlie looked forward to it.

"Sure, sure. We'll be here". _"Making sure"._ "Have a good night." He looked straight at Bella. "You take care, Bella." _"He hasn't turned her, hasn't killed her – yet. What can the bloodsucker be thinking?" _

She looked away, disconcerted, and mumbled, "Thanks."

The Blacks left, and I made sure I was unnoticeable in my tree as they climbed into their _(cough)_ car. Billy made a point of looking through the yard. Bella headed for the stairs. I sighed in relief, until Charlie called for her to wait.

"I didn't get a chance to talk to you tonight. How was your day?" Charlie asked easily.

"Good." Bella replied. I watched her through Charlie's eyes. She seemed to cast about for something else to say. "My badminton team won four games in a row." I smothered a laugh. After yesterday's performance, I'd just been glad she'd been unharmed and hadn't harmed anyone else – a victory.

"Wow, I didn't know you could play badminton." Charlie smiled.

"Well, actually, I can't. But my partner is really good," she admitted. I smiled.

"Who is it?" Charlie was curious. Fishing for information about boys? I frowned.

"Uh…Mike Newton." Reluctant Bella.

"Oh yeah. You said you were friends with the Newton boy," Charlie said rather cheerfully. Hmmm. "Nice family. Why didn't you ask him to the dance this weekend?"

"Dad!" Bella complained, clearly not liking this fishing expedition. "He's kind of dating my friend Jessica. Besides, you know I can't dance." She avoided his eyes.

"Oh, yeah," he muttered. "I guess it's a good thing that you'll be gone Saturday." It seemed Charlie was trying to not provoke Bella's temper. "I've made plans to go fishing with the guys from the station. The weather's supposed to be real warm. But if you wanted to put your trip off till someone could go with you, I'd stay home. I know I leave you here alone too much." Charlie was abashed, feeling a neglectful parent.

I was beginning to be an expert on Bella's body language, not to mention stubbornness – and knew she wouldn't take this out he was handing to her, however much I wished she might. Or at least part of me wished she might.

"Dad, you're doing a great job," she smiled at him. "I've never minded being alone – I'm too much like you." Charlie's guilt was assuaged by her wink. _Bella winks?_ I was dazzled through her father's eyes. Would she ever wink playfully at me? I fervently hoped so.

She headed upstairs. I positioned myself so that she would not catch me perched by her window, and listened to her movements getting ready for bed. In a few minutes, she was nestled under the covers and was asleep in moments, her heart and breathing steady. I waited for Charlie to head to his own bed before opening her window and climbing in, taking my now usual position in the rocking chair.

Bella slept soundly this night. I was glad. Glad that she was getting some rest after last night, and ecstatic that I was able to watch over her all night. Her vampire guardian angel. I was getting good at this – I'd be an expert in taking care of humans if I spent much more time with her.

Again, the fantasies refused to be banished - tracing her face with my finger, running my hands through the silky hair tangled on her pillow, letting my lips drift over hers. I fought them all off. No mistakes.

Towards dawn, I ran home to clean up and change. My family seemed to expect this behavior now and although their anxious thoughts followed me, they made no comments about it. I was grateful.

Alice called me as I pulled a clean shirt on, not audibly. '_Edward_'. I found her lingering in her room.

"What is it, Alice?" The images in her head were the same as her last about my plans to take Bella to my meadow.

"The odds are better now – more like 70-30 for Bella surviving. I think it's because you're spending time with her," Alice stated.

Better, yes. Not the blanket reassurance I'd been hoping for, but I'd

take it. I smiled in thanks.

"By the way, don't blame Jasper – it was Emmett's idea," she added.

"Idea for what?" I tried to catch her thoughts but she was now recalling Mark

Twain's _Huck Finn_. I glared at her; she stuck her tongue out at me.

I went in search of my brothers. Emmett especially.

I found him in the garage, waiting impatiently for his wife to finish her daily primping. His cocky smile greeted me.

"What am I not supposed to blame Jasper for?" I asked lightly.

The smile disappeared and under his breath, I barely caught his whispered hiss of "_Alice_." I grinned evilly at him.

"Hey, now, it was just in fun," he said evasively, and I caught his thought.

"You're _betting_ on whether or not I _kill_ her?!" I was livid.

'_Nice to see that Mr. Perfect has some weak spots – finally.'_

Before I could ask about that particularly obnoxious thought, Jasper wandered into the garage. I rounded on him.

"What makes you think that it's perfectly fine to place wagers on my behavior – with Bella's life the subject?" I demanded hotly.

Jasper raised an eyebrow at me, gauging my mood. Apparently, I didn't warrant any tampering, as my rage did not abate. I wondered why, briefly, before my rage flared at his statement.

"Can you blame us? Mr. I-have-the-situation-under-control-at-all-times is finally struggling with his own bloodlust and the rest of us are supposed to just sit by?" he said smugly.

Emmett chortled until I leveled him with a gaze. Then he just grinned, seeing an opportunity to try and take me down. He really did have a one-track mind.

Deciding that I was too dignified to get caught up their petty games – and not wanting to be late for Bella, I threw a monkey wrench into their convoluted little world.

"You may want to check with Alice. Things change," I said cryptically, then quickly got in my car and shot out of the garage. I grimly enjoyed their consternation.

Brothers…sometimes a comfort, always a pain. On the way to Bella's I wondered if other men had the same issues with their brothers, or if this was a special torture for my past sins. I wondered why, again, Jasper didn't bother to calm me down – I hadn't stopped to look past my own angry feelings to see his thoughts. Despite his acceptance of my feelings towards Bella, was he past caring how I reacted to their antics? I pushed these thoughts away from me as I approached Bella's house. I'd have lots of time later to ruminate on my family. And I didn't want to ruin one minute of the time I had with her. Abruptly, her absence was a physical thing, and I wanted nothing more than to be dazzled by chocolate brown eyes.

Following the pattern we'd established over the last few days, I waited for Charlie's cruiser to pull away from the house before racing up to the drive. Today Bella bounced out of the house happily, a positive change from last nights' tension. She slid in without yesterdays' hesitation and I was hit again by the power of her scent. The heat radiating from her seeped into the right side of my body, making mine respond in frightening and exciting ways. I liked it. A lot.

"How did you sleep?" I queried, grinning.

"Fine. How was your night?"

"Pleasant." I couldn't keep the laughter from my voice.

"Can I ask what you did?" Curious Bella.

"No. Today is still _mine_." Charlie's questions about Mike Newton surfaced in my mind. Had Bella…dated? I was determined to find out. But I would be subtle. I wanted Bella _unedited_.

I asked more about her mother, and confirmed my thoughts from a few days ago. Renee was, according to Bella's description, a flighty if loving mother, prone to wild flights of fancy, picking up new hobbies like they were shells on a beach, and dropping them just as quickly. Bella took over too many responsibilities at too young an age to have had a real childhood. She'd reluctantly surrendered that role to Phil – and seemed to feel a little guilty about it. Her summers here with Charlie ended at her demand prior to my family's arrival in Forks; he would travel to Phoenix for two weeks a year to see her. Now they'd quickly and easily fallen into a habitation routine that allowed her to continue to be caretaker, but also freed her somewhat from her mother's constant need for supervision. I found it amusing that she used his given name, unlike most children, but she affirmed he did not condone it, and tried to remember when speaking to him.

Walking her to and from her classes, I asked about the friends she'd had in Phoenix. Trying to get to the bottom of the _boyfriend_ issue. Subtly. I'd assumed she'd been missing those children she'd left behind; however, I was quickly disabused of this notion. Bella admitted to having few school friends – and I wondered why, now, I'd made my assumption to the contrary. Her maturity level would set her apart from most children her own age. Since she'd been a novelty here – the first new student since the arrival of the Cullens, and we discouraged any outside attempts at closeness, obviously – the other teens here naturally had picked her out. Bella had quickly been integrated into a group of friends, despite her natural reticence. And had drawn the notice of every male in the school. Including mine. My impatience chucked _subtle_ out the window.

"I have to believe that you had at least one boyfriend in Phoenix." I tried, initially, for lighthearted, since subtle wasn't around.

"No." Face averted. Embarrassed Bella. Hmmm. _Lighthearted_ followed subtle out the window.

"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked too seriously. If she'd wanted someone before me, if I ever found the strength to leave her, then she'd be able to want someone else again. I _should_ want that. If not…Heaven help me, I wanted it to be a "not". Badly.

"Not in Phoenix."

I held in a groan with tight lips. I felt split right down the center of my being. She _wanted_ me. She'd _only_ wanted me. She shouldn't. I shouldn't want her to. But I did. For all my supposed brilliance and wit, she paralyzed me.

Alice's mental voice interrupted my bewilderment. _"Edward, you and I are leaving soon. Hunting. To be safe as possible for tomorrow. We'll drop Bella's truck off for her here."_

I watched carefully as Bella bit into a bagel, and I realized she'd not eaten much since I'd kept her talking. Some vampire guardian angel human expert I was; I'd have to watch her food consumption.

"I should have let you drive yourself today." I murmured.

"Why?" She asked, suddenly alert, studying my face.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch."

Her face fell. "Oh." My heart wrenched in my chest – was she disappointed because our time together was shortened? Her silent mind drove me mad. She continued, "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."

As if I'd leave her to her own devices for three miles of treacherous road! What kind of man did she think I was, to leave a lady stranded?

"I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

"I don't have my key with me," Bella sighed. "I really don't mind walking."

I shook my head. "Your truck will be here with the key in the ignition – unless you're afraid someone might steal it." The ludicrous though made me chuckle.

"All right." The tone of her voice made it obvious that thought this – getting her key from her house - would be hard for us. I smirked.

"So where are you going?" Casual Bella. I wasn't fooled.

"Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take all the precautions I can." I thought about everything that could go wrong…and tried to warn her one last time. "You can always cancel, you know." Dual hopes raged in my chest.

Abruptly, Rosalie's thoughts broke through. _"Don't do this! Let her have her life!"_ I realized that my conversation with Bella was the focus of my family's attention.

Bella glanced down and took a deep breath. "No," she whispered, looking up into my face. "I can't."

"Perhaps you're right," I said quietly, hoping she wasn't signing her own death warrant. Rosalie's thoughts battered against my mind, calling me names. I tuned her out.

"What time will I see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"That depends…its' Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?" Which would shorten our time together…

"No," she said quickly. I fought off a smile. Her eagerness matched mine.

"The same time as usual, then. Will Charlie be there?"

"No, he's fishing tomorrow." Too happy that her father would not be there. She may not ever see him again.

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I asked her sharply, expecting – hoping - that this would at last alarm her. Again, I was disappointed.

"I have no idea," she replied coolly. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell into the washer."

The fact that she would casually – _coolly!_ – throw herself into danger by being with me alone had me suddenly furious with her. I scowled at her. She scowled back. After a few minutes, she gave up. Oddly, my victory felt hollow.

"What are you hunting tonight?" she asked curiously.

"Whatever we find in the park. We're not going far." Her curiosity was getting under my skin – were that possible. It's almost as if she wanted to know for future reference…and Alice's vision of Bella with red eyes floated across my mind. I blinked to erase it.

"Why are you going with Alice?" she asked.

"Alice is the most…supportive." No need to go into details – like the fact that my sister already considered Bella her best friend and wanted to preserve her life almost as much as I did. I heard Alice warn the others that Bella would be looking their way in a few seconds.

"And the others? What are they?" Timid Bella.

I frowned. "Incredulous, for the most part."

She looked over her shoulder at my family, who'd just made sure they were looking in different directions. Jasper shot, _"Incredulous?! Try _stressed_, and you'll at least be in the same ballpark!"_

"They don't like me." Sad Bella. Unacceptable.

"That's not it. They just don't understand why I can't leave you alone." Fairly true. She didn't need to know about Rosalie's enmity. I looked at her innocently. She didn't buy it.

"Neither do I, for that matter," she grimaced. Still underestimating my love.

I looked at the ceiling, containing my anger – and my sudden need to make her understand. In a more _physical_ way. No. Words would have to do. No mistakes.

"I told you. You don't see yourself very clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

She glared at me, apparently thinking I was teasing her. I smiled.

"Having the advantages I do, I have a better than average grasp of human nature." I casually rubbed my forehead. "_You think you know everything!"_ Rosalie. My next words were for her as well. "People are predictable." I smiled. "But you…you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."

Bella looked back to my family, a dissatisfied, unhappy expression on her face. Apparently I wasn't using the _right_ words. What was _wrong_ with me? For all my supposed brilliance I was bungling this.

"That part is easy enough to explain," I said softly. She still wouldn't look at me. I wished I could reach for her hand. "But there's more…and it's not so easy to put into words…" I realized too late that Rosalie had turned to glare directly at Bella, her thoughts only on stopping this line of our conversation.

I hissed shortly at my_ dear_ sister, "_Mind your own business!"_ Rosalie turned away, having gotten what she was after, and Bella looked towards me. I could see the fear and confusion in her eyes, and could have cheerfully torn Rosalie's hair out. She'd no idea why Rosalie would feel _anything_ towards her, much less hatred. I downplayed it for Bella's sake, swallowing my anger so she wouldn't see it..

"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see, it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…" I trailed off and looked down, not wanting to finish the thought, not wanting to make it that concrete.

"If?" Bella prompted.

"If this ends…badly." There. It was out there. I could kill her. I dropped my head into my hands as the anguish washed through me. _What was I doing? Willingly following a road that may lead to her _death_?_

Jasper reacted to my anguish. _"If it's going to be this hard for you, why do it at all?"_ He was having trouble helping me calm down because my emotions were affecting him. Through his eyes, I watched Bella's hand jerk towards me a little then drop. Like she'd wanted to touch me then had thought better of it. She _should_ think better of it – and of this whole situation. This whole plan for tomorrow. Me.

"And you have to leave now?" Bella's voice worked for normalcy. Her effort on my part – to help me – both broke and mended my heart in the same instant.

Then Alice's voice broke in on my self-torment. "_Edward, it's time. Introduce me to my best friend." _Apparently, though I'd wring her skinny little neck for it later, this particular choice was being taken from me. "_You can try,"_ she thought smugly. Obviously, she'd seen my plan for her neck. Damn it.

"Yes." With effort, I lifted my head and smiled at Bella. "It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie to endure in Biology – I don't think I could take any more." At least, not without touching her this time.

Bella started a bit in her chair and looked over my shoulder. Without glancing at the brat who hovered there, I greeted her.

"Alice."

"Edward." She triumphantly sang. Fortune-telling, pushy little…my irritation made me a tad rude.

"Alice, Bella – Bella, Alice."

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you." I _grazed _her with my glance. Alice stubbornly refused to fall to pieces.

"Hi, Alice." Shy Bella.

Alice turned to me. "Are you ready?"  
"Nearly," I replied coolly, letting her see my irritation. "I'll meet you at the car." Alice moved off; Bella watched her carefully, taking in the unnatural grace, face unreadable.

"Should I say 'have fun' or is that the wrong sentiment?" she asked.

I grinned. "No, 'have fun' works just as well as anything.

"Have fun, then." Bella worked at cheerful for my benefit. _She'd miss me._ The thought made me smile again.

"I'll try. And you try to be safe, please."

"Safe in Forks, what a challenge." Sarcastic Bella.

"For you it _is_ a challenge," I pointed out. "Promise." I wouldn't have a moments' peace if she didn't at least _try_ to keep herself out of harms' way.

"I promise to try and be safe," she dutifully stated. "I'll do the laundry tonight – that aught to be fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in," I said mockingly, enjoying this little banter. Maybe she'd wink at me.

"I'll do my best."

We stood and she sighed.

"I'll guess I'll see you tomorrow." Plaintive Bella.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I asked gently. She nodded.

"I'll be there in the morning." I promised. And most of the night. And the next night. I had to smile at my thought. I reached across the table and stroked my fingers across her cheekbone, feather-light, like I'd wanted to do during the night. I found myself looking into melted chocolate eyes. And had to walk away before I did something _really_ stupid. The electric tingling in my fingers felt like it could have lit up a small city.

I met Alice at the car outside. She was just about glowing. We got in the car.

"I can't wait! This is going to be so much _fun_! I always wanted a little sister to play dress up with!" She clapped her hands at our speed, the sound like a drum roll.

"She's not your sister!" I glowered at her. The thought of Bella in my family…terrified me. Because I wanted it so badly. To keep her with me forever. But Bella deserved a happy_ life_, not the half-dead excuse for an existence my family tolerated and made do with. She was too good for this – too good for me. I could not look at her and see loathing in her eyes for me – I wouldn't allow that to happen.

"Edward, you will _not_ rob me of my best friend." Alice was confident. But in her mind, the two visions rode neck and neck – still. I drove up to Bella's house, ignoring Alice's unsupported optimism.

"The key to the house is…"

"Under the eave," Alice finished for me. "And the key to her truck is hanging in the kitchen. I got it." Sticking her tongue out at me, she got out, was in and out of the house in under 10 seconds; she started Bella's truck, drowning out the Volvo's quiet purr. I followed her back to the school, and Alice parked the behemoth in the space I'd vacated earlier.

I tore a page from a notebook and quickly wrote out my note, a reminder.

Be Safe

If I'd written what I really wanted to, whole forests would have perished for the paper I'd have used.

I got back into my car, and raced for home. Alice disappeared into the house, and I followed. We had some time, although I wanted to be back early, of course, to continue my stalker behavior.

Esme met me at the top of the stairs, her thoughts full of concern for her children – who were definitely not getting along well these days.

"Edward, I know you think you know what's best, but...you know that Alice and Rosalie have never been that close. I know that sometimes siblings can love each other without _being_ close, but Alice…she's been almost _keening_ for a friend she can relate to. Would it be so difficult to let her have this?" Esme was almost pleading with me. I hated to let my mother down. But she needed to see that until Bella survived me, plans like this were inappropriate.

"I don't want Bella that close to us. It may change her future…" And increase the Bella's danger – if she survived me tomorrow, I couldn't have anything increase her danger of becoming one of us.

"Don't you think that's rather selfish of you?" Esme asked. Although she said it without rancor, it hit me like a cannonball. She was right. I planned to try and be with Bella throughout her life, if possible, after tomorrow. I wanted to walk that tightrope. Because I wanted to be with her. I'd been calling myself selfish for days now. But hadn't really processed it. Would I keep her all to myself, never allowing her goodness to touch others? It never occurred to me that my family would walk that same tightrope with me – for me. Esme shamed me. As a mother should.

I whispered, "Yes. It is."

"_There's my boy."_

I hurried on. "But until we know what will happen tomorrow, I don't think it's a good idea to encourage her." Esme sighed in response, and silently agreed.

"Thank you." I was whispering again. She smiled proudly at me.

I really didn't deserve her and Carlisle.

And I really shouldn't underestimate Alice.

She exploded from her room, joyously leaping toward me.

"Thank you, Edward!" she sang out.

I caught her by the shoulders. "Alice, this will wait till after tomorrow – you _know_ that. And if things go well, I have some rules for you."

"I know – I have to keep my thoughts to myself. No talking about her future" – I glared "- possible future," she amended. Fine. She did know. I sighed in exasperation.

"Let's hunt, shall we?"

In the park, I ran for the sheer release of it. All the tension of day seemed to melt away in the speed. Then Alice and I worked in tandem, using our particular gifts to find the best prey. I glutted myself on elk and stag, knowing it was pretty much wasted effort. No amount of animal blood – and truthfully, probably no amount of human blood, either – would stem the hunger Bella's scent generated in me. Better safe than sorry. It was just after midnight when Alice declared she was "stuffed to the gills". We ran home at a more leisurely pace, not talking, at peace with one another for the moment. She was my favorite sister, after all.

"You know, I think she may be just as anxious about tomorrow as you are." Alice spoke up, grinning at me. An image flashed across her mind, Bella drinking from a…cold medicine bottle?

"Is she sick, Alice?" I asked worriedly.

"No…she seemed quite well, just restless a minute ago."

"Then why…" I trailed off. I could only guess what had caused Bella's restlessness, as well as the motivation to take something to help her sleep. Was it fear, finally? Or something else that kept her awake? These questions did not improve my mood.

"Don't worry, Edward. I don't see anything bad coming from that – no medicine hangover." Alice tried to reassure me.

"I shouldn't have promised her she could drive." I'd never thought that that had been a good idea.

"Nothing will happen before you get to where you're going." Alice tried to rumple my hair, but I ducked out of her way. I sighed, and looked in the direction of Bella's home.

"Go," Alice commanded me softly, smiling.

I went.

Bella's house was dark, and I stayed in the tree outside her window, listening to her breathing and heart beat to make sure she was asleep before climbing into her room, not breathing.

Bella's hair splayed wildly across her pillow as she lay on her side, and she'd kicked off a bit of her comforter, exposing a slender, pale leg to my eyes. She was wearing blue sleep shorts. Her leg beckoned to me – the thought of sliding my fingers along it from toe to hip took over my brain until I banished it viciously. I realized I was still holding my breath and that I needed to continue to desensitize myself to her. I took a deep breath. Due to the cough syrup she'd ingested, Bella's scent was just a little off from normal; it still appealed to me more than any other scent, it still tore down my throat like fire. But I didn't like the thought of her drugged.

I also needed to cover her leg back up before I did something profoundly stupid. Like touch her. Wake her up. Have her realize I was there. I didn't want to see revulsion or fear in her eyes, if she caught me acting like a pervert, staring at her. Very, very slowly and very, very carefully without touching her, I pulled the comforter over her leg. Bella shifted in her sleep, but her eyelids never fluttered, her breathing never changed. I sighed in relief.

I gazed at my love until dawn tinged the sky.

A/N: I had to recently go back and add a few details here – the bet between Jasper & Emmett. Since Edward mentions it to Bella, I felt it needed to be added, to further develop the relationship between the brothers and what kinds of impact Edwards behavior has had on them all. Let me know if it works! Hit that little green button, if you would, and tell me if you notice anything else I might've missed.


	4. Chapter 4 Declarations

_Starry Night is my attempt at the last half of Midnight Sun, Edwards' POV for Twilight. I have incorporated dialogue from the original, although I did add some of my own. This is the famous Meadow Scene. The First Kiss. (And the angels sing "Laaaa!") The first, pretty much, of everything. In other words - a LONG one. It's longer than the previous three chapters put together. Whew! _

_I will try and do it – and Edward - justice. _

_Of course, all things Twilight belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. More power to her._

**Chapter 4: Declarations**

At dawn, I reluctantly climbed soundlessly from Bella's window and ran home to shower and change. On the way, I noticed an odd, hollow feeling in my chest – as if something was missing. Part of my mind told me that it was fear – the fear that I would hurt her, kill her. But it did not feel like the same fear that had been riding me this week, since Alice's fifty/fifty prediction. Another part of my mind – a rapidly growing part - was egging me to go back and uncover that leg again, indeed to expose both legs and discover for myself if the skin felt as silky as it looked – as it had been doing much of the night. Once again, I banished the fantasy. However, I still couldn't identify this new, hollow feeling.

Carlisle was already gone to the hospital for the early shift. Esme was upstairs in her study, working on a new architecture project, and my siblings were…otherwise engaged. I quickly reined in my talent, trying to give them privacy. In this house, that was a feat. We couldn't exactly turn off vampiric hearing.

I cleaned up and chose clothing that was practical, wondering if I could talk Bella into letting me show her _my_ chosen form of travel…but that would have to come later, if she – we – survived. I wasn't sure I could survive if she didn't. I was sure I wouldn't _want_ to. The odd, hollow feeling swelled, but I still couldn't get a handle on it.

Arriving at her house at 8:00am I knocked on her door quietly, thinking about the cough syrup Bella had taken – part of me hoped that she wouldn't feel well and cancel this whole plan, despite Alice's vision. The other part of me worried that she'd hide any discomfort in order to carry through with it. And yet the largest part of me ached for her. My self-assigned role as vampire guardian angel needed some work.

After a minute of fumbling with the door locks, Bella threw it open and sighed.

Her scent hit me immediately, and I noted the difference – no aftertaste of drugs. I carefully looked at her face – a hint of flush, but no shadows under her eyes, no cloudiness. I smiled in relief. And then in amusement when I took in her outfit.

"Good morning". I couldn't keep the chuckle out of my voice.

"What's wrong?" she demanded, looking down at herself.

"We match." My laughter rang out. Her light tan sweater over a white shirt and jeans ensemble mirrored my choice for practical clothes today. Great minds? Of course, it looked much better on her, hugging her curves just right. She laughed with me.

Then I noticed…that odd hollow feeling was gone. Bella…_filled_ it. I floated or walked – I wasn't sure which - to her truck, trying to get used to that. She occupied a part of me. Almost physically. Oh. My.

I was brought back to reality when I reached the truck. We still needed to get through today. _If_ we could get through today. Starting with her driving. I waited while she locked the front door, and wore a patiently martyred expression. Bella understood it immediately.

"We made a deal," she said smugly, climbing into the driver's seat and unlocking my door. I got in. Reluctantly.

"Where to?" she asked curiously.

"Put your seat belt on – I'm nervous already." She threw me a look, but complied.

"Where to?" she repeated with a sigh.

"Take the one-o-one north."

Bella drove slowly through the streets of the sleeping town. I gazed at her for several moments, processing the fact that she was filling me, completing me in some way – and that I'd never realized I needed to be filled. She apparently noticed my attention and our speed dropped even lower.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I teased.

Indignantly, she replied, "This truck is old enough to be your cars' grandfather – have some respect." I grinned. I loved her little kitten anger. It reminded me of our bantering yesterday. How to get her to wink at me? As the lawns and houses of Forks dropped away, I devised plans to get this little – harmless – fantasy into reality. I gave her further directions when needed.

"Now we drive till the pavement ends."

"And what's there, where the pavement ends?" she wondered.

"A trail." Would she bail on this – me – now? She wasn't exactly Camping Girl.

"We're hiking?" She confirmed my thought, rising panic in her voice.

"Is that a problem?" I asked.

"No." My adorable little bad liar.

"Don't worry. It's only five miles or so, and we're not in any hurry."

Bella was silent for several moments, but her heart rate had increased somewhat. She was pensive, the little line of a frown just showing between her eyes. My patience, as usual of late, crumbled quickly.

"What are you thinking?" I had to wonder if she'd ever get sick of this particular question from me.

"Just wondering where we're going." Huh. I had a feeling that was a part of the truth. A small part. She was maddening.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." Chew on that, lady.

"Charlie said that it would be warm today," she said.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope."

I held out hope in the face of this, however. "But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?"

"No, I told her you'd canceled on me – which is true." Bella said it almost nonchalantly.

Within the space of one of her heartbeats, I was enraged.

"No one knows you're with me?!" I couldn't _believe_ her! Had I been driving, I would have turned the vehicle right around and taken her home.

"That depends…I assume you told Alice?" she answered.

I growled, "That's very helpful Bella." She ignored my sarcasm.

"Are you so depressed by Forks you've become suicidal?" I demanded.

"You said it might cause trouble for you…us being together so publicly." Not quite meekly.

I reeled.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me_ – if _you_ don't come _home_?" I couldn't keep the biting anger out of my voice. _What was she thinking?! HOW am I to protect her if she won't even _try_ to protect herself? Even a _real_ guardian angel would have trouble with this girl!_ I realized belatedly that I was mumbling loud enough for her to hear something and clamped my mouth shut.

We drove the rest of the way in silence. However it was not silent in my brain - the dual voices arguing again. One seethed at her behavior and was in favor of taking her home, now, calling this whole thing off; the other arguing that it was too late – that she and I would eventually come to this crossroads again, since I couldn't leave her alone and we couldn't avoid it just by turning a car around. Effectually paralyzed, the second voice won by momentum. The momentum of the behemoth in which we rode.

The road ended with the small wooden marker, surrounded by trees. The trail continued on in much the same direction that the road had. The sun was still obscured by clouds, but they were thinning. Bella parked the beast on the shoulder and immediately stepped out. I watched her; she carefully didn't look at me, and took off the tan sweater, leaving her in a sleeveless white shirt. My mouth filled with venom. I swallowed it, trying not to think about the smooth skin of her arms. Her neck. Fury and desire warred in my brain, adding to my irritation with her. As I stepped out, I removed my sweater as well, feeling the mugginess, even if I weren't bothered by it. Spitefully, I thought, she's the one who wanted to see what I was in sunlight. I faced away from her, looking into the forest.

"This way," I said over my shoulder.

"No trail?" her voice skirled upwards desperately.

Turning towards her, I smiled mockingly. "I won't let you get lost."

I heard Bella's gasp when she saw my open shirt but her crestfallen expression made no sense. Was I _that_ disappointing? My heart cringed and cracked. Who was I fooling? Of course I was. I was a monster. She could never love me as I loved her. She shouldn't. No matter how much I wanted her to.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked quietly, pain showing through. My eyes would be filling with tears now, were it possible.

She always surprised me. "No." She came around the truck to stand near me, despite her reaction to the sight of me.

"What's wrong?" I asked gently, trying to hide my own pain.

"I'm not a good hiker. You'll have to be very patient," she replied dully. I couldn't understand the dejection on her face, radiating in her body language. I wanted to shake the real answer out of her. I reined it in.

"I can be very patient – if I make a great effort." I smiled, trying to lift her spirits, get her to look at me so I could try and dazzle her again. It didn't work. Her answering smile was halfhearted at best.

"I'll take you home," I promised, thinking she'd get back into her truck with relief.

In a mood swing that put my recent emotional rollercoasters to shame, Bella answered. "If you want me to hack through five miles of jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she almost spat.

I stared at her uncomprehendingly. _What?_ Sadness to acid in what, .04 seconds? I started worrying about the state of her mental health again. Was it hormonal? I was hyper aware of her menstrual cycle – which is an understatement. But the dates didn't seem to add up. Could she actually _be_ suicidal? Her apparent carelessness regarding her safety today spoke to it, but Bella hadn't shown any other signs. She just looked at me expectantly. I gave up and allowed my feet to move us into the forest at her pace.

She wasn't having as hard a time as she'd thought she would. I watched carefully, of course, knowing her penchant for tripping on nothingness, but she was being careful as well. When we had to climb over fallen trees, I helped with a hand on her elbow, retaining my position as vampire guardian angel - and each time, I memorized the way her heart would race when our skin made contact, and how her skin felt under my fingers. I released her as quickly as possible, although the sensation stayed with me for long afterwards. A small part of me argued it was fear that made her heart race, but I could find no trace of it in her lovely face. In fact, what I saw there seemed to mirror my own feelings.

No. I was projecting. I was imagining it. Seeing what I wanted to.

To break this tension, I returned to my million-and-one questions; there were still many things I didn't know – and the curiosity was raging. Maybe one of these questions would solve the mystery – the mystery of what caused this little slip of a girl to even attempt a relationship with a vampire.

Did she like her teachers? Had they encouraged her bright mind like they should have? Had her birthdays been celebrations as they ought to have been? Had she had pets? Bella admitted to killing three fish and giving up on pet ownership. I laughed, bringing a genuine smile to her face. There, that was better. A knot of tension in my chest loosened. I decided to just enjoy her company for now. I would enjoy the not-hollow feeling.

It was a few hours before I noted a change in the light coming through the canopy of branches overhead, then after a few moments, the buttery yellow brightness, like the light at then end of a murky tunnel. My meadow would be ablaze with color and light – just right. This was my favorite place, where I lapped up solitude when I needed it, where no one's thoughts touched me. Could I handle Bella being here alone with me? I hoped that she would find it just as enchanted as I did, that we could share it. I hoped like hell we could share it after today as well.

A little while later Bella noted the change in the light as well, her human eyes catching what I'd caught a while ago. Her eyes lit up, although she assumed a scowl for my benefit.

"Are we there yet?" she asked impatiently. I smirked a bit.

"Nearly. Do you see the brightness ahead?"

"No," Bella frowned, peering through the trees.

"Maybe it's a bit soon for _your_ eyes," I teased gently.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she grumbled. My smirk widened.

We walked on, and her steps became quicker with eagerness, as she finally caught the brightness ahead and I let her lead. The closer we got, the more anxious I became. Would she look at me with revulsion? Fear? Would she run when she saw me exposed to the sun? If she did, could I control the predatory instinct within and not chase her down? The swirling thoughts and worries caused me to hang back when she reached the edge of my jewel-like meadow.

Bright sunshine greeted her as Bella stepped into the perfectly round space, bordered by ferns and trees. White, violet and yellow wildflowers and long grass stirred a little in the warm, gentle breeze. The sun was at zenith, and would show her everything about me. I moved around the clearings' edge, and watched her slowly walk almost to the center and turn, taking it all in with an awed expression on her face. Various emotions flew through me. Relief and love – she liked it. A lot, it seemed. Fear – could I do this? Was I strong enough? Chagrin - _should_ I do this?

Bella turned then, looking for me, but I'd moved away, and now stood off to her left. She searched a little wildly for me then found me standing within the trees still. Smiling, took a step towards me holding out her hand, beckoning me to join her. I raised a hand in warning. She made no further movement towards me. Was I ready for this? I took a deep, unneeded breath. I listened for her heart beat, and let it set my pace.

_Time to walk the tightrope. _I took my first step on it, and walked slowly towards her.

When the sun touched my face, Bella gasped and her eyes widened. I slowly walked to her side, watching her reactions carefully, judging my own feelings and control. My skin threw refracted light against the trees around us. I knew I was glowing palely. I felt like the freak I was.

Her heart surged, trying to win a never-ending race. Silently, we sat on the grass, a few feet apart. For long moments, all we did was look at one another. I saw no revulsion in her eyes. It gave me hope.

"So, you like it, then?" I asked quietly.

Without looking around, Bella nodded. She'd not taken her eyes from me once yet, and seemed to struggle not to blink. I refrained from reminding her. Her heart had quieted to normal.

I took a deep breath, savoring and memorizing the scent of this place with her in it now. The monster did not rear his head – as quiet as he'd been since that first night in her room. The thirst tore my throat, but it was still manageable. I allowed myself to relax in this space that I'd claimed for my own, falling onto my back softly and closing my eyes. I contemplated the not-hollow feeling for some time. Bella's presence had filled it perfectly. Pieces of love songs floated through my head and I sang them to her, but not loud enough for her to hear, thinking – fearing, really - that she'd find it…clichéd. She caught my lips moving once and asked me about it. I admitted to singing – only part of the truth, yet she didn't press for details. Perhaps she didn't want to know.

Then she touched me.

I opened my eyes, and watched her face as she watched her finger trace along the back of my hand and fingers very slowly. The warmth left tingling in its wake. I remembered all of my nights in her room, the last few days in the dark Biology classroom, wanting to do similar things to her. But not trusting myself. Knowing that it would just lead to wanting more. And _more_ was dangerous. But now… I suddenly found it easy to let _her_ touch _me_ like this. I wallowed happily in her ministrations. I realized that part of walking the tightrope would be this – simple _human_ contact. From the not-so-simple human. _More_ would too dangerous – but this seemed almost too easy. She looked up into my eyes and I smiled tentatively.

"I don't scare you?" I asked playfully, although I really wanted a serious answer.

"No more than usual," she answered, and my smile was reflected in her warm eyes.

She took my relaxation as an opportunity to inch closer and began exploring my forearm with her trembling fingertips. I closed my eyes, just enjoying the tingles she brought out in me – the human reactions that stirred within. The monster stayed quiet.

"Do you mind?" she asked, hope in her voice.

"No." _Mind?_ _Please - don't stop_. "You can't imagine how it feels." I almost groaned. She traced patterns along my arm now, outlining my muscles there, exploring the crease at my elbow, following my useless vein patterns. I kept my eyes closed, thinking about my own fantasies of touching her. It'd been _my_ fingers and palms that had ached to explore her – how would her fingers feel against them? It seemed she had the same wish – she moved her other hand to turn mine over. Without thought, eager for the sensation, I flipped it too quickly, startling her, freezing her fingers in place, her heart catching for a fraction of a beat.

"Sorry," I murmured. She looked at me as I closed my eyes. "It's too easy to be myself with you." I'd have to watch that. No mistakes. Was this – letting her touch me like this - a mistake? I couldn't find it within me to think so. As long as I was careful. As long as _more_ was guarded against. Human contact. Within boundaries. I'd have to define them for us…soon.

Bella relaxed again, and returned to exploring my arm. She turned it, and brought it closer to her face. I felt her gentle warm breath on it, expanding the ever-present tingling.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I whispered urgently, needing to know what was going through her head. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

She smirked a tiny bit. "You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be one of 'the rest of us'. "It's a hard life. But you didn't tell me."

"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she trailed off.

"And?" I encouraged.

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I weren't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid." The truth. I wished with all my cold heart that there was no reason for her to be afraid. But there was.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

_What else could she be afraid of?_ After all my dire warnings, didn't it get through to her? I quickly – too quickly – sat up. Our faces were just inches apart. I stared deeply into her chocolate eyes.

"What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered urgently. I expected her to lean back away from me, to think about her answer.

Instead, she leaned closer and inhaled deeply, eyes half lidded.

My mouth flooded with venom and I exploded away from her, ripping my hand from hers in the process. Alice's vision - _this_ is what she'd shown me. For all that I'd tried to be on guard, Bella slipped under it. _What was she thinking?_ I was a _vampire_, for goodness sake! I watched her warily from the edge of the clearing. Shock and hurt showed clear on her face. A completely different part of my brain was suddenly gleeful. _She wanted me to kiss her_! I wrestled it to the background again. Her safety came first. I analyzed the last ten seconds or so…I'd sat up and whispered…breathing on her, with her face so close…my fault. In that instance, her expectations combined with my actions…I should have known better. Especially with my warning. But I'd been so relaxed – distracted by Bella's touch. It was still my fault.

She, of course, didn't see it that way.

"I'm…sorry…Edward," Bella whispered miserably.

"Give me a moment." I swallowed the venom. I had to digest her reactions, her…impulses, so that I could plan for them, prepare for them. I was a beautiful trap, after all. She could not get ensnared. I had to walk this tightrope.

After a moment, I walked slowly back towards her and sat about five feet away. I felt an almost unendurable mixture of elation and fear, and it was only just subsiding. Anything at this point would damage my control.

"I am so very sorry," I said, then hesitated. How to explain my sudden oversight and mistake? I needed to return us to the lightheartedness we'd shared earlier. "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I smiled at her.

She nodded once, but the adrenaline was coursing through her veins, and her face was flushed. She was embarrassed, feeling guilty for _my_ lack of restraint. It tore at me. _The beautiful trap. _My self-contempt rose to the surface. It began fraying my already tenuous control.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my _smell_. As if I need any of that!" Suddenly, I needed to move –_away_. From her. I ran around half the meadow in half a second, and stopped beneath the tree I'd just been under a few moments ago.

"As if you could outrun me," I laughed self-mockingly. I reached up with one hand, ripping a branch two-foot thick and ten-feet long from the tree and balanced it in my palm. Needing more physical outlet for the self-hatred, I threw it into another tree. Cracking sounds echoed around us. Looking at Bella, noting her racing heart and I flew towards her, stopping only a few feet away.

"As if you could fight me off," I said gently, my tone belying my inner turmoil. She saw this, too, as she always saw too much. Her chocolate eyes were wide with fear, her face pale with it.

Fear that I'd put there. Fear that hadn't existed till I'd lost control. I couldn't take the look in her eyes, knowing that had if it had been someone else that had caused her to be afraid, I'd cheerfully rip their head off.

But I'd caused it. It grounded me.

"Don't be afraid," I almost begged her softly. "I promise…" Knowing now what fear of me looked like in her eyes, on her face, I was able to make this vow. I took a deep breath. "I _swear_ not to hurt you."

She watched me carefully, her heart rate slowly returning to normal. Her body language continued to radiate tension, however.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered. I slowly sank to the ground beside her again, hoping she'd understand, accept me again.

"Please forgive me. I _can_ control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."

Bella didn't answer. I was bungling this _again_.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked. _Please wink back!_

Finally, she laughed. It was shaky and breathless, but it was a laugh. I allowed myself an inner sigh of relief.

Tenderly, I asked, "Are you all right?" and slowly placed my hand back in hers. I begged her with my eyes, _forgive me, don't turn away._

She looked into my eyes, then at my hand in hers. Carefully, her fingers traced mine again. Then she looked back at me and smiled timidly. _YES!_ I smiled back with everything in my heart. Her eyes widened and her heart beat stuttered. And her smile broadened.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I asked.

"I can't honestly remember."

"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason." I felt ashamed, although I smiled for her.

"Oh, right." She looked down.

"Well?" I encouraged.

And was met with a wall of silence. She continued to trace patterns on my palm. Seconds ticked by.

I sighed. "How easily frustrated I am."

Bella looked at me finally for a moment, her thoughts shrouded as usual and took a deep breath.

"I was afraid…because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't _stay_ with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She dropped her gaze back to my hand as she spoke.

"Yes…That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's not really in your best interest." But it was in mine. _Stay with me._ It was the tightrope I was willing – eager – to walk to be with her throughout her human life. The other options…weren't compelling right now.

Bella frowned at my words.

"I should have left long ago," I sighed. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can." _I've already tried to stay away, tried to ignore you. It was too hard, I don't have the strength yet…_So much more I wanted to tell her. I remembered the beautiful trap, however.

"I don't want you to leave," Bella mumbled.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad." Bella said.

"Don't be!" I took my hand from hers. Reluctantly. But she had to be made to understand! "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget _that_. Never forget that I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." Abruptly I realized I'd not mentioned this particular problem to her – the problem of her scent, its' affect on me. I always said too much to her. After ninety years of keeping secrets, apparently I was spilling them every other day now. I stared into the forest.

She was quiet for a moment, fostering an absurd hope in me that she'd ignore my last remark.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part, anyway."

I knew it'd been a foolish hope. I smiled at her, at my own ridiculousness. My love was too smart for me.

"How do I explain? And without frightening you again?...hmmm." I placed my hand back in hers, needing her touch now. It served to center me, in a way that I'd never suspected possible. She held it tightly in both of hers, warmth spreading, sending molten fire up my arm and into my body.

"That's amazingly pleasurable, the warmth," I sighed. If she only knew…

I pulled my thoughts away from what I was beginning to identify as the naughty downtown district of my mind – a group of brain cells I'd long since forgotten about - and tried to explain to Bella her particular hold and pull on me. I went for an obvious analogy.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate" - _I love your chocolate eyes_ - "ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

She nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy – I couldn't think of another way to explain."

Bella smiled. I couldn't help but smile back. I decided to stay away from food comparisons.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass full of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma – how do you think he'd fare then?"

We looked at each other for a moment in silence. Her eyes remained questioning. Maybe the alcoholic reference couldn't resound with her. No experience with it.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're trying to say is, I'm your brand of heroin?" My quick girl got it – and turned it lighthearted. For me. I smiled hugely.

"Yes, you are _exactly_ my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?" she wondered. I looked away into the trees, needing to find an objective, non-threatening way to answer this.

"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I realized that this may disturb her – and I didn't want her to fear my family too much. A very healthy respect, yes. Paralyzing fear, no.

"Sorry," I said, glancing at her.

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

I took a deep breath and studied the sky. Her generosity was boundless. I was grateful for it – and undeserving of it. Her hands continued to warm mine, and I shamelessly let her be my lifeline.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as"- what? Mouthwatering? Tempting? Delicious? No, no food terms – "_appealing_ as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other." _Don't let her ask what happened then, please, _I prayed.

"And for you?" she asked curiously.

"Never."

The word hung there for a long moment in the warm breeze. Her warmth was leeched away by my hand.

"What did Emmett do?" Damn. Well, what good would prayers do for something like me anyway? I clenched my hand into a fist inside hers, and refused to answer.

"I guess I know." I heard no condemnation in her voice, but…

"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" I pleaded for forgiveness, expecting none.

"What are you asking? My permission?" Bella misunderstood. The sharpness of her voice caught at me, tore at me. "I mean, is there no hope then?" She ended almost resignedly.

"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought. I met her eyes squarely. I needed to redeem my brother – and myself. "It's different for us. Emmett…these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as…practiced, as careful, as he is now."

I watched her face intently, trying to decipher every little movement of muscle, every blink of an eye. She thought hard about this for a moment.

"So if we'd met…oh, in a dark alley or something…" she trailed off. I knew where that trail was headed, however. Somewhere dark.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and"- I broke off and couldn't look at her anymore. I couldn't chance seeing revulsion or more fear in her eyes. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years"- Bella didn't need to know specifics – "I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." I scowled at the trees, not wanting to continue this particular trail. But she needed to see the dark. That's why we were here. Grimly, I glanced at her.

"You must have thought I was possessed." I thought - hoped - I'd scared her off, then.

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…" she replied.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin" – that still came off her skin in waves mixed with sunlight now – "I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"

I glanced at her, expecting to see disbelief. Instead, Bella seemed…floored. I looked intently into her eyes, needing her to know this bitter truth about me. We were beautiful, seductive for a reason. The beautiful trap.

"You would have come."

"Without a doubt," she answered, a bit of quaver to her voice.

I dropped my eyes to our hands, frowning. I unclenched my fist. She didn't let go. I hung onto that. I'd shown her the trap. She was my lifeline now.

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there – so easily dealt with."

Bella shivered, apparently realizing belatedly how close we'd both come to destruction. I went on.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself _not_ to wait for you, _not_ to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home – I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew that something was very wrong – and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

Bella stared at me, wide-eyed. She'd not realized that, at the time, I'd been planning a permanent departure.

"I traded cars with him – he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…" The pain I'd caused them with my departure rebounded onto me, my mother's being the worst. And the upheaval we'd been going through since then…I didn't deserve my family, and they didn't deserve to live in the uncertainty I'd brought them.

My voice betrayed my cowardice and weakness. "By the next morning, I was in Alaska. I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances…but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl"- I had to grin at her – "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…" Did I regret it? I couldn't find it within myself to. Because the hollow was filled.

Bella was silent.

"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual, before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it." As I was about most things. A sin. Another mark against me.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind" - shallow, vain, empty-headed - "her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that . And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I frowned, knowing that apart from eavesdropping on her dreams, I never would know if Bella really meant what she said.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk to you just like any other person. I was eager, actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions…and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…" _As it continues to stun me after every one of my separations from you_.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment – because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her'." I closed my eyes against the memory – even then, I couldn't let her go. Now…

"In the hospital?" Bella asked faintly.

I opened my eyes to look at her. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power – you, of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched at the word. Whoops. I went on quickly to get past that gaffe. "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time…the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me and Alice." I grimaced at the reason _why_ Alice had sided with me. But I was walking that tightrope - I would _force_ the visions to change. "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I shook my head at that memory of my mother – along with Carlisle, we were _her_ lifeline.

"All that next day I eavesdropped on all the minds of everyone who spoke to you, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far away from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair…it hit me as hard as that very first day." I met her eyes and gazed into them tenderly.

"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I _had_ exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here – with no witnesses and nothing to stop me – were I to hurt you."

"Why?" Timid Bella.

"Isabella." With my free hand, I ruffled her hair playfully but very gently. It was such a judgment – I would have to get used to these human gestures, and needed to get acquainted with how much force I _couldn't_ use. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." Alice's vision skated through my head, and I glanced down in shame – it'd been a strong possibility. "The thought of you still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…it would be unendurable." I slowly lifted my face to look at her again, and took a breath. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

There. I'd said it. Bared my heart. It belonged to her anyway.

Bella glanced down at our hands, and I watched her, I listened to her.

I waited.

"You already know how I feel, of course," she almost whispered after a lifetime. "I'm here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She frowned. "I'm an idiot."

Yes, a dead heart can soar. Mine is proof.

"You are an idiot," I laughed and she joined me, looking into my eyes. The sheer incredibleness made us giddy, and we laughed for a long moment at ourselves, before it spluttered out.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," I murmured softly. Bella glanced away, a pretty blush spreading across her cheek.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion." I looked away into the depths of the forest. My family was right – I never did anything the _easy_ way.

"Why?..." Bella began then stopped.

"Yes?" I looked back at her and smiled – any question from her would let me learn more about how her mind worked.

"Tell me why you ran from me before." My smile faded.

"You know why," I said.

""No, I mean, _exactly_ what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example"- she stroked the back of my hand, sending tingles of electricity through me – "seems to be all right."

I smiled. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." I should have seen this coming – after her insistence on being alone with me today – without anyone in her life being aware of it. Her tendency to try to lift burdens – my burdens - made me ache.

"Well…it was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled my our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat_." I stopped myself right there, tensed then glanced at her to see if the fear had returned.

She would never stop surprising me. "Okay, then," she flippantly said, tucking her chin down. "No throat exposure."

I laughed at her, appreciating the lightening of our conversation, covering another of my gaffes. "No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else." I raised my hand slowly and laid it on the side of her neck very gently. Human gestures. She brought back to me both my buried memories of them and the desire for them. Her pulse and warmth beat against my skin, and the naughty downtown district of my brain, which had been on blackout for a long while now, came back to sudden life with a cheer. I shushed it. And then tackled the impulse to slide my hand along Bella's neck, just to feel its texture against my skin.

Keeping my hand still, I said, "You see. Perfectly fine."

Bella blushed again, her heart rate increasing under my hand. I searched her face and eyes for the cause – fear? Embarrassment? _Excitement?_ I realized her heart was racing. Another cheer resounded from the red light district.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I murmured. My lifeline…my lifeline…I chanted my internal mantra, knowing that I had to show her what I could take, and how to go about being with me and I had to learn this, as well – even if only in a very limited way. I freed my other hand from hers, and brushed her cheek, then held her face in my hands, as I'd been wanting to do for….well, it felt like forever – and I _had_ been waiting for _her_ for almost a century. I just never realized it till now.

"Be very still," I whispered, warning her to let me take this time, to not surprise me with any movement. I leaned forward very carefully, watching her eyes, until I turned my head and lay my cheek against the hollow of her throat, still holding her face with my hands. We stayed like this a long moment, just touching. When I was sure we could handle it, trust one another to take this slow, I gave into the impulse and slid my hands to her neck. It was softer and silkier than I'd expected. The red light crowd held its collective breath. I tamped down the impulse to repeat the motion as Bella shivered and I stopped breathing. Would she draw away? No, no movement on her part even suggested she thought about it. My hands continued to move till they rested on her shoulders. I slowly turned my head, skimming my nose along her collarbone, analyzing intricately the sensation of her skin against it. I rested my head against her racing heart.

I listened in bliss, a happy sigh escaping my lips. No increase to the burn in my throat. I breathed again. Her heart steadied and slowed after a few minutes. I was tied to it now, like the tides and the moon.

We stayed like this for too long – and not nearly long enough. I could not think of anything else except that I was touching her. At last. The red light crowd cheered.

Eventually, I raised my head and dropped my hands from her shoulders – reluctantly. I tried to think of the last time I felt this relaxed – and couldn't.

"It won't be so hard again," satisfaction lining every word I said.

"Was that very hard for you?" she asked.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be." The worst part was releasing her. "And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad…for me." I caught the slight inflection.

"You know what I mean." I smiled. She returned it.

"Here." I took her hand in mine and placed her palm against my cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?" _Can you see what changes you've brought about in me, love?_

Bella's eyes widened, her pupils dilated and she whispered, "Don't move." I went still and closed my eyes.

She traced my face with the same careful study she'd given my hand and arm earlier. Bella's fingers left trails of warmth and tingling over my cheeks, my nose and eyelids. She gently explored the shadows under my eyes and finally, oh so lightly, traced my lips. Without my consent, they parted under her touch and I exhaled, wallowing in tenderness. And need. The red light district in my head roared with approval. She slowly dropped her hand. I opened my eyes. Meeting hers intently, I heard her heart begin galloping.

"I wish…I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand." Never before I had come this close to stuttering. I slowly raised my hand and gently and carefully brushed her hair across her face, wanting more, so much more, but not allowing it.

"Tell me," barely a whispered breath, thrilling me – and the red light crowd.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger – the thirst – that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though"- I smiled crookedly – "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely."

"But…" I raised my hand again, giving in once more to the impulse and trailed my fingertips across her perfect lips oh, so lightly. The red light crowd went wild. My fingers went wild. Bella shivered. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand _that_ better than you think." Bella admitted sheepishly.

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"

"For me?" she paused. "No, never. Never before this."

_The only one she'd said yes to_.

I clasped her hands within mine, memorizing the bones, the texture of her fingers, the size of her palms. Her fragility.

"I don't know how to be close to you. I don't know if I can," I confessed sadly.

This time she leaned forward slowly, holding my eyes with hers, letting me know she was taking time for me. She placed her cheek against my cold, hard chest, and I felt her warm breath against my skin. I wished I had a heart she could listen to.

"This is enough," she sighed against me. The tenderness took hold of my chest, squeezing, expanding – I couldn't decipher which. I lifted my arms and encircled her, and lowered my face to press against her soft hair.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she pointed out. I smiled into her hair.

"I have human instincts – they may be buried deep, but they're there." And broiling slowly to my surface. Drawn to her.

Again, we sat for a long time, and I reveled in the fact that I could hold her, touch her. Only later did I wonder at myself – my thirst for her didn't cross my mind at all.

The afternoon was waning when she sighed.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she almost huffed.

"It's getting clearer." I smiled into her silky hair again. I took her gently by the shoulders and held her away from me. If we had to go, it was the least I could do to get her home quickly.

"Can I show you something?" I grinned.

"Show me what?" Bella asked carefully.

"I'll show you how _I_ travel in the forest." She looked at me dubiously. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned crookedly at her. Much faster than the three hour hike it took us to get here this morning.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

A roaring laugh burst from me. We must've missed that one on the way home from Port Angeles last week. "Like I haven't heard _that_ one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time." Still wary.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." She still hesitated. I looked into her face, and read a flurry of emotions. Not fear, but anxiety, no revulsion, but doubt. I reached for her, and her heart reacted. I smiled and slung her onto my back. She clung for dear life – it was a good thing I was nearly impervious. My smile turned into a grin.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," Bella tried warning me.

I rolled my eyes and snorted, "Hah!" Her weight was a feather.

I took one of her hands from the choke hold around my neck and pressed her palm to my face, inhaling deeply, welcoming the familiar scorch.

"Easier all the time," I murmured.

And then I ran.

Five miles – just under five minutes for me. Just long enough to consider several thousand times the idea that Jessica had inadvertently planted in my head earlier this week – which I'd rejected then. Not that the insidious fantasy had been purged. But today…things had changed. And with what happened earlier…I replayed the scene in my head again. Bella's face – lips - so close to mine, half-lidded eyes, inhaling my breath…and her own reaction to Jessica's questions earlier this week about me…at that time, I'd rejected the idea that Bella would want to be anywhere near my teeth. I couldn't, now, persuade myself that I'd been correct. I reasoned with logic; I'd touched her without harming her. My fingers remembered the texture, the shape and softness of Bella's lips…her fingers had traced mine. This picture, I decided, was incomplete. And - I justified it further – human contact included _safe_ kisses. It could – perhaps - be included within the boundaries.

I'd noted Bella's heart beat throughout our trip back – I expected it to race and wasn't disappointed. I reluctantly stopped near her truck. She continued to cling to me, heart spluttering.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked.

No answer. Heart fluttering crazily. Uh oh.

"Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped out.

"Oh, sorry." I felt a bit foolish. I should have remembered her admonishments about speed when I was driving. I waited for her to release me and find her feet. But her arms and legs remained clamped about me.

"I think I need help," she breathlessly admitted.

Chuckling, I gently pulled her arms free and pulled her around into the cradle of my arms. For a moment, all I could think of was carrying her like this across a threshold…and another plan began to shape itself in the corner of my mind. I bordered that corner off…for now. It was _way_ too soon to consider that. The brain cells in that protected corner continued to stubbornly percolate.

I gently set Bella on a fern. "How do you feel?" I asked.

"Dizzy, I think."

"Put your head between your knees," I ordered her. For once, she complied. I sat beside her, not touching her – I didn't want to make it worse.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I noted. But her heart was more steady now, and her breathing was returning to normal.

"No, it was very interesting."

I rolled my eyes. Interesting enough to almost induce vomiting, apparently. "Hah! You're white as a ghost – no, you're as white as _me_!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she admitted.

"Remember that next time," I suggested.

"Next time!" she groaned.

I couldn't help but laugh. I have to get used to human gestures, she'd have to get used to vampiric speed. And compliments.

Of course, I might just enjoy the human gestures more that she enjoyed the speed. Hmmm. Our earlier success at closeness spurred me on. I soundlessly moved to kneel in front of her, our faces just as close as they'd been before she'd surprised me a few hours ago.

"Show off," Bella muttered, eyes still closed.

"Bella, open your eyes."

Melted chocolate eyes met mine with a small start of surprise at my proximity. But she didn't move away.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I paused, wondering, just how do you ask a girl for a kiss?

"About not hitting the tress, I hope." She distracted me, as was her wont.

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show off," she murmured again. I grinned.

"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." Carefully, I cupped her face in my hands again. She stopped breathing.

I hesitated. Could I do this? Did this fall into the dangerous _more _category? Could I just feel the texture of her lips against mine? And not wake the monster, who'd been asleep since that momentous night in her room? I felt for my control…Yes. I was acclimated enough to her scent at the moment. No increased burn touched me, no thirst reared up. The red light district held its breath again.

I carefully leaned in and pressed my closed lips against hers. For a fraction of a second I was transported. All my focus was on my lips, her small, perfect mouth and the softness of her plump lips. _So this is heaven…_

I never stopped to consider if _her_ control was as tightly leashed as mine.

Bella gasped, and her hands flew up to knot in my hair, pulling herself into me. Her lips burned with sudden fire and parted against mine, and…oh!...The sudden hunger pummeled me – the hunger of a man. The red light district _crowed_ with victory. But that hunger brought with it the burn, the thirst. The venom.

NO.

Reminding myself that her face was fragile, I firmly but gently pushed her away from me. A few inches. I watched her warily as she opened her eyes.

"Oops," her sweet breath fanned toward me. I stopped inhaling and swallowed the venom in my mouth.

"That's an understatement." I was frozen. The red light district brain cells were taunting me with catcalls and insults, my throat felt scorched and...God help me, but I wanted to do it again.

"Should I…" Bella tried to pull back, but I still had her face firmly in my hands. I couldn't let her move – either forward or away. Either would shatter me.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." My tone was even, controlled. Unlike the swirling going on in my chest. I allowed her chocolate eyes, filled with concern for me, calm the maelstrom. I realized that although the thirst had fired my throat once more, the monster remained asleep.

The maelstrom departed. It left mischief in its wake. I felt like Alice.

"There," I said, smiling. A strange little imp was dancing a jig in my head, chanting _"I did it! I did it!"_

"Tolerable?" Bella confirmed. Later I would wonder…what woman wants to be told she's _tolerable_? It's not exactly complimentary. At the time, however, I was too relieved to have her unharmed. To have the monster remain asleep.

I laughed at myself. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

"You are only human, after all," I teased.

"Thanks so much," she replied acidly. Tiger-kitten Bella.

I rose quickly and held a hand out to her, ecstatic that I'd be allowed to act the part of a gentleman from now on. I could offer her an arm, insist that I open her car door and hand her out, hold her hand as we walked through school. That thought brought to mind images of Newton's reaction to _that_. I hid an evil grin, and another wave of giddiness overtook me. Bella took my hand and stood unsteadily.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I laughed at myself. It's not like I'd had any practice.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she replied. "I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" she protested.

"I can drive better than you on your best day," the imp in me taunted. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure you do, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it," she retorted.

"Some trust, please, Bella."

She stuck her hand in her pocket, making a fist and deliberated for all of two seconds.

"Nope. Not a chance." Stubborn Bella..

She skirted around me towards the driver's side door – or at least tried to. Her balance was still off and she wobbled on unsteady legs. I captured her waist in my arm, stopping her.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friend drive drunk." I chuckled, intoxicated by her body's closeness to mine. The red light crowd lit up.

"Drunk?" she objected strenuously.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." The imp took over my mouth, using my own thoughts.

"I can't argue with that," Bella sighed. She pulled out the key and dropped it – my hand moved too fast for her eye to see to catch it. She continued, "Take it easy – my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible."

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" she asked in an irked voice.

She had no idea what she did to me. She had an inkling, now, of the effect she had on the vampire. She still had no clue what she did to the man. I couldn't answer with words right then. I gazed softly into her warm eyes, dazzled again. I bent my face towards hers and turning, brushed my lips slowly along her jaw, from ear to chin, reveling in the smooth texture of her skin, the scent coming off of her. Back and forth. She trembled within the circle of my arm.

"Regardless," I found the words I needed. "I have better reflexes."


	5. Chapter 5 First Night

_Thanks for hanging with me, dear readers! I will try harder to get more than one chapter done every three weeks, I promise. I have to say, one of my issues was Edward's attitude when admitting to Bella he's been in her home every night watching her sleep – he seems so blasé about it – and he's anything but, in reality. I had to delve deep._

_Of course, all things Twilight belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. More power to her._

**Chapter 5: First Night**

Driving Bella's truck towards her house, I couldn't help but almost burst with elation. _We survived!_ The tightrope walk had commenced. Our hands were entwined on the seat between us, and I took every opportunity I could to glance at them, at her, into her eyes, at her hair caught in the breeze of the open window. The sun was setting, making her hair glow with mahogany lights. I was running through all the things I could do with and for her now – all the gallant gestures my upbringing had taught, but had been buried beneath my vampire nature. Till now.

Of course the red light district had its' own plans, as well. I walled them off, but they insisted on percolating…along with other, more long-range plans.

Bella's senior citizen of a truck had a very sub-standard radio, probably original equipment; it only got a few stations in with any clarity. Thankfully, one station was playing some of my favorite music from a bygone era. I sang along.

"You like fifties music?" Bella inquired curiously.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties" – _hippies_- "or the seventies, ugh!" I shuddered dramatically – I'd hated the disco scene. "The eighties were bearable."

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" Bella asked carefully.

"Does it matter much?" Her curiosity was endearing.

"No, but I still wonder…" she grimaced a little. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

"I wonder if it will upset you," I said pensively. Bella had been so brave today – reckless with her own safety, being alone with me - would the fact that I'd walked this earth longer than her grandparents had drive her away? It occurred to me – so belatedly – that the reason she'd put herself so much in my power today was because I – and my whole family – were now totally dependent on Bella's ability to keep our secret. I filed this thought away for future processing. I let silence linger between us.

"Try me." Firm Bella.

I sighed and looked into her eyes, letting part of my brain handle driving. Bella looked back at me; chocolate eyes deep with concern and restrained curiosity – no fear, no hesitations. Her maturity showed in them, far beyond her biological years. I looked away, into the sun, not sure if I wanted to see her initial reaction.

"I was born in Chicago in 1908." My eyes strayed a bit to check her reaction anyway. No surprise was evident, and still no fear touched her face. I smiled a bit, heartened by her lack of shock. "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

Bella quickly and quietly inhaled and I looked full into her eyes again, willing her not to run. Now that we'd come so far…I needed her to hear, I needed to be as truthful with her as possible. So that she'd be as informed as she could be about her decision regarding me.

"I don't remember it well – it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I had so few, mostly my mother singing to me, my excitement about being a soldier. I had seen Carlisle's clear memories of my mother, however. Her adamant declaration that I live. "I do remember how it felt when Carlisle 'saved' me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget."

"Your parents?" Bella asked.

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone." The sun was now below the treetops now, the dim light fading into darkness.

"How did he…save you?" Bella tentatively asked as if she were afraid I would be angry with her.

"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us…I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history. For me, it was merely very, very painful." With that I sealed my lips. Enough.

I wondered for several seconds how this was affecting Bella. Her heart rate had not spiked, her face was fairly impassive. She was quiet, seemingly deep in thought, and apparently was empathetic enough to know that I would not relish talking more about this subject. It did occur to me that my explanation of Carlisle's motivations for changing me was incomplete.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating." Esme's heartbreak was not mine to share. The miracle of her strong heart stayed with all of us – she was the best mother anyone could ever have.

"So you must be dying then, to become…" Neither Bella nor I had actually said the "v" word since our drive back from Port Angeles, and she seemed to skirt it now.

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice." My pride in my creator, my father, knew no bounds. "It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak." I looked away, not wanting to think about ways that human blood could be made 'weak'.

"And Emmet and Rosalie?" Bella was nothing if not persistent.

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him – he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled my eyes, remembering my reaction to this revelation – I hadn't been exactly thrilled. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting – we were in Appalachia at the time – and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I made a point of looking into Bella's deep brown eyes, and slowly and oh, so carefully brushed her cheek with the back of my hand. If Emmett's scent was – or had been - to Rosalie what Bella's was to me… Hmmm. I'd have to ask her – I'd asked Jasper and Emmett, to be sure, but lately, Rosalie wasn't exactly forthcoming. Not that I'd minded.

"But she made it," Bella said heartily, looking away from my eyes.

"Yes," I responded gently, noting bleakly that we were almost to her house. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live apart from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." The carefully walled off portion of my brain spit out a thought before I could keep it back. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, _again_." I laughed a bit, while carefully sealing off that renegade portion of my brain. I wanted to rage at myself – _you just survived your first afternoon together and you think that makes it all right to make _those_ kinds of plans?! Too. Soon._

"Alice and Jasper?" Bella asked, eager to learn about all the members of my family.

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another..." do not say _coven_, "family, a _very_ different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind." And could be a monumental pain in the -

"Really?" Bella interrupted my thought, fascinated at these Cullen family disclosures. "But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She _sees_ things – things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change." I would be sure that they would change. Like this subject. I very quickly glanced at Bella's face to erase the memory of the vision of her with red eyes.

I didn't count on human Bella's persistence. "What kinds of things does she see?"

This should be safe – I could steer the conversation to avoid the subject of Bella herself. "She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he even knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

A bit of surprise crossed Bella's lovely features. "Are there a lot of…your kind?"

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people"- I glanced slyly at her, wondering if she'd catch the slang – "can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable." And for certain of us, it had become too uncomfortable. "Those of us who live…differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North." My own nomadic years would be…a subject for a different day.

"Why is that?" Bella asked.

I'd pulled up to her house by this time and I turned the behemoths' engine off. The house was dark, Charlie still not home.

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased lightly. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years." Except for these last few weeks…

"So that's where the legends came from?"

"Probably."

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?" Bella asked.

"No, and that _is_ a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage." And I wouldn't have my favorite, annoying, faithful little sister.

Bella had her mouth open to ask yet another question, undoubtedly, but was interrupted by her growling, hungry stomach. I berated myself for not remembering to bring food for her today – if I was going to remain in my role of vampire guardian angel, I'd have to do better than this.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner." Although I really wasn't ready to part from her company.

"I'm fine, really," Bella tried.

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget."

"I want to stay with you," she murmured to the darkness.

Those six little words…I wondered if she knew what they meant to me. I wasn't going to miss the chance to be in her house legitimately, however.

"Can't I come in?" I asked lightly.

"Would you like to?" she seemed almost surprised.

"Yes, if it's all right."

I got swiftly out and was at her door a second later, opening it for her.

"Very human," she smiled.

"It's definitely resurfacing." Like so many other things she was drawing from me.

I let her set the pace as we walked together to her door, but I reached it first, quickly grabbing the key from under the eave without her seeing, and opened it for her. She paused in the doorway.

"The door was unlocked?"

"No, I used the key from under the eave," I said easily. Where did _that _come from? Hadn't I been ashamed of my own behavior, sneaking about the house, skulking in her room night after night? Where was my shame now?

Bella stepped inside and flicked on the porch light for her father's benefit, then turned and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I was caught, but I was oddly happy about it. Trapped in a pretty cage. The imp was back.

"I was curious about you," the imp simply stated.

"You spied on me?" Her words were accusatory, but the tone wasn't. This pushed oddly happy to giddy.

"What else is there to do at night?" The imp was unrepentant. I'd given her my heart today, and I was elated at the chance for her to see how far gone I was. It was absolutely ridiculous – '_see how obsessed with you I am?'_ Any normal girl would have thrown five kinds of fits and thrown me out. The imp was unimpressed with my harangue.

I was lucky. _Any normal girl_…Bella let it go, wandering towards the kitchen. I flashed there before her, and was seated in one of the chairs at the table when she came in. She glanced furtively at me then decided to make herself dinner. I relaxed, being able to watch over her and make sure she was taken care of. _Any normal girl_…all the other women-children that attended school with us would have taken my warning to heart. I'd never had a problem dissociating myself from even the most amorous women in the past – _normal_ humans tended to shy away from the beautiful trap, even while wishing they had the courage to attempt it. I mused about Bella's _non_-normalcy while she puttered around the kitchen.

"How often?"

"Hmmm?" I was pulled out of my musings.

Without turning from the appliance heating her food, she asked, "How often do you come here?"

I decided truth was best. "I come here almost every night."

She whirled around to face me, a stunned expression on her lovely face.

"Why?" she demanded.

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk." I stated. How else was I to know what was going through that mind of hers – unedited?

"No!" Bella gasped, her heart pounding, a furious blush spreading across her features. She grabbed the counter for support. I was an idiot. The imp disappeared. Coward.

"Are you very angry with me?" I asked imploringly. _Please don't be normal _now!

"That depends!"

I waited. Depends? What was going through her head?

"On?" I finally asked, out of patience.

"On what you heard!" she wailed desperately.

I quickly stood and went to her, and captured her hands in mine. I hated being the cause of her distress, and had to fix it.

"Don't be upset!" I pleaded with her, dropping my head to her level to look in her eyes. Not trying to dazzle now, just trying to comfort. She tried to look away.

"You miss your mother," I whispered. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too _green_.'" I laughed a little, remembering – Bella liked _brown_. I liked brown, too, now. I looked at her hopefully.

"Anything else?" Bella demanded. I cringed inwardly. Would she want me to know?

"You did say my name," I admitted reluctantly.

"A lot?" she asked with defeat in her voice.

"How much do you mean by 'a lot', exactly?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh, no!" Bella hung her head. Unacceptable.

I pulled her to me carefully, softly. My arms around her shoulders, I held her lightly against my chest. She seemed to fit so naturally.

"Don't be self-conscious," I whispered in her ear urgently. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it." My lips almost touching her ear…The scent of her hair skirled into my brain, and I wanted to press my lips to her – just in reassurance, I told myself.

Before I could follow up with that impulse, I was thwarted – or saved – by the sound of tires on the drive. Charlie was home, his quiet, shrouded thoughts the reason I'd not been more forewarned. I'd have to remember that.

"Should your father know I'm here?" I asked quietly. Although I wanted to have the Chief's knowledge – and hopefully, approval - of our burgeoning relationship, I would wait on Bella's wishes.

"I'm not sure…" Bella trailed off.

"Another time, then…" I released her and raced out of the kitchen and up the stair to her room.

"Edward!" Bella hissed. I chuckled quietly. No more hiding.

At least, not from her.

In her room, I settled quietly on her bed; her scent was the most intense here, and it lifted in waves off of the comforter. I breathed deeply, letting it rip down my throat. The more defenses I could build, the safer Bella would be. Since I didn't plan on leaving till dawn rode the sky, this was a necessity. My – our – success today did not mean that I did not have to be as careful as possible. One part of my brain – all right, the red light district – was agog at the possibilities of 'simple human contact'. And wasn't very interested in drawing boundaries. I'd draw them as carefully as I could – no mistakes. Holding hands. That was safe. I loved her little hands, fitting perfectly into mine, our fingers winding through one anothers'. I could even kiss her hand – a gentlemanly gesture, to be sure. Cuddling…was that what we did today? I loved the feel of her in my arms, and I wanted to feel her there again as soon as possible. I felt like I could hold her forever. I sighed with bliss. And began thinking about how to go about obtaining an invitation to stay till dawn. Here. In her room. With her knowledge. Yes, the red light district was nearly rioting.

The other part of my brain, of course, was listening to Charlie and Bella's conversation. They just chatted a bit about their respective days at first. I heard Charlie remark that it'd been a nice day. What an understatement.

His next remark, however, had me wondering what he was seeing.

"In a hurry?" he asked. Looking through his eyes, I noted that Bella looked a bit…harried as she gathered their dishes and took them to the sink.

"Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early."

"You looked kinda keyed up." Now Charlie was the observant one.

"Do I?" Bella began scrubbing dishes, not meeting her father's eye.

"It's Saturday," Charlie stated.

No answer from his daughter. Curiosity and concern – and suspicion? - surfaced briefly in his mind.

"No plans tonight?" he asked.

"No, Dad, I just want to get some sleep."

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" Charlie sounded odd, but his thoughts were still mostly shrouded.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." Only vampiric hearing could have caught her slight emphasis on the word 'boy'. I repressed the chuckle. No boys here.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton…" Would Charlie never let up on that teenage horror? "You said he was friendly."

"He's just a friend, Dad." Bella emphasized.

"Well, you're too good for them all anyway." A statement with which I was heartily in agreement. "Wait till you get to college to start looking." Well, I would disabuse him of that notion soon, wouldn't I? But I determined to win Charlie's esteem; I would be nothing if not polite and respectful, showing my intentions to be Bella's protector and companion. Any father's wish for a beau for his daughter.

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Bella said a bit desperately. Hmmm. Knowing her stubbornness, I'd have to put my foot down – I would brook no secret relationship between us. I heard her head for the stair.

"'Night, honey," he called after her.

"See you in the morning, Dad."

I repressed another chuckle as she almost dragged her feet for Charlie's benefit up the stair and over to her room. She slipped through the door, and banged it shut. I lounged on her bed, shrouded in darkness. Bella ran to her window and leaned out.

"Edward?" she whispered into the night, apparently convinced that I'd gone. So silly.

"Yes?" I couldn't keep the laughter from my voice.

"Oh!" she gasped and whirled to my voice, spying me on her bed, heart racing. She sank to the floor next to the bed.

"I'm sorry." I barely repressed the laugh in my chest.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart."

I slowly sat up. It wasn't right that I was on her bed…without her. The red light district sounded its' approval. I hushed it. Judging that it was within acceptable boundaries, I reached down and took her arms, pulling her up next to me on the bed.

"Why don't you sit with me." I covered her little warm hand with my cold one. "How's the heart?" As if I hadn't been listening to it all evening.

"You tell me – I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

My silent laughter shook her bed.

We sat together in comfortable silence; Bella's heart slowed to normal. I thought about being here with her, with her knowledge and consent for the first time. I felt jubilant.

"Can I have a human minute?" Bella queried.

"Certainly," I lifted a hand in approbation. Inwardly I jeered at myself for being so…lordly.

"Stay," Bella said sternly, trying to look intimidating.

Stifling my laughter, I responded, "Yes, ma'am." And went still. I'd wait for her forever, if necessary, just like this.

I listened in on her movements in the bath. Cleaning her teeth…showering. The red light district came up with all sorts of imagery of Bella standing in the spray of the shower. The heat from the water intensified her scent, and it was not without an effort I kept my stone pose on her bed. I swallowed venom again and again. No mistakes. Stay. Charlie is downstairs. No mistakes. Charlie is downstairs. Stay. Her order became part of my mantra.

After what seemed an eternity to me, but in reality was only a few minutes – Bella didn't dawdle – the water shut off and she finished drying and dressing. I heard her open the bath door and descend the stair halfway.

"Night, Dad."

Charlie's voice echoed the surprise in his thoughts. "Night, Bella."

Bella raced back up the stairs and into her room, quietly shutting the door. I took in her appearance. Tatty shirt and sweatpants were her pajamas – she looked the picture of innocence and naivety with her damp hair. She looked at me and smiled.

Raising one eyebrow, I tried to keep the purr out of my voice. "Nice."

She grimaced, looking down at her ensemble.

"No, it looks good on you." She could wear a plastic bag and it would look good.

"Thanks," she whispered. She finally joined me on the bed again, sitting cross-legged, and studied the floor.

"What was all that for?" I asked.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."

"Oh." Despite knowing she couldn't read minds, I'd wondered how she'd picked up on that little suspicion in her father's mind. "Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited."

I lifted her chin with a finger, bringing her eyes to mine.

"You look very warm, actually." I slowly bent my face towards her, and laid my cheek against hers. Mercifully, Bella held still. Her warmth spread through me, and I couldn't help the vocal sigh that escaped.

"Mmmmm…"

"It seems to be…much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she said after a minute of heavenly contact.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I murmured, tracing her jaw now with my nose. Her graceful throat teased me, just a few inches away. I swallowed the venom again, but felt no impulse to bite. The human male hungers were a bit more powerful and were coming up with all sorts of suggestions. Giving in to one, I carefully brushed her damp hair away from her ear and touched my lips to the hollow just under it. Her heart sped.

"Much, much easier," she said on a trembling exhale.

"Hmm." I was engrossed in her feel of her skin on my lips, listening to her heart race – _for me_. Because of _my_ touch. Not because of fear. A very unfamiliar feeling was forming in me…

"So I was wondering…" she began but trailed off as my fingers traced her collarbone through her sleep shirt.

"Yes?" I encouraged.

"Why is that, do you think?" Bella voice shook a bit.

"Mind over matter," I chuckled. More like human hunger over vampire hunger at the moment, but I would take what I could get – as long as my control didn't snap over either.

Bella pulled back and I stopped breathing. The impulse to pull her back to me – violently – ran through me for a fraction of a second before I had it under control. Her cautious stare helped. I then wondered what I'd done to make her pull away from me. It felt wrong.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"No – the opposite." _Huh?_ "You're driving me crazy."

_!!!_

"Really?" A triumphant grin slowly spread across my face. That unfamiliar feeling…it was knowing I could cause these reactions in her. _My_ touch. _My_ lips. Male pride, I realized, was surging through me.

She saw it.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she asked sarcastically.

I grinned more.

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I said – the understatement of the year. "In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't ever believe that I would find someone I wanted to be with…in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it…at being with you…"

"You're good at everything," she said.

I shrugged. I wasn't. But for some reason I was reluctant to disabuse her of this notion at the moment. Pride again. We both laughed at me, in breathless whispers.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she wondered. "This afternoon…"

"It's not _easy_," I sighed. How to put this? "But this afternoon I was still…" _Afraid that I'd drink you dry. No that wouldn't do._ "..undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgiveable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgiveable," she said. Generous Bella. She made me realize I was not being completely truthful with her.

"Thank you." I smiled at her forgiveness. "You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I picked up her fragile hand and pressed it lightly to my face. Her warm brown eyes searched mine. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be..." - _the monster who killed you -_ "..overcome" – I breathed in the powerful scent at her wrist – "I was" - _why was it so hard to talk all of a sudden? - _"…susceptible. Until I made my mind up that I _was_ strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would…that I ever could…" Words abandoned me altogether. My mind rejected any word that would associate itself with the danger I'd posed to Bella.

"So there's no possibility now?" she asked.

"Mind over matter," I smiled.

"Wow, that was easy," she teased.

I threw my head back and laughed – a whisper to be sure, but still boisterously.

"Easy for _you_!" I reached out and touched her cheek with a finger, oh so gently. I knew that my carefully crafted plan to be with her would always be in danger from my nature – whatever vows I'd made to her and myself today. I stared into her eyes.

"I'm trying. If it gets to be…" - _if I get too thirsty, if my control frays, if, if, if_ - "too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

Bella scowled, and I wished for the nth time that I could hear her thoughts.

"And it will be harder tomorrow. I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized to it. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think." At least I could hold onto the knowledge that she'd survived being alone with me, that I was strong enough. That in itself told me that I'd be strong enough in the future.

"Don't go away, then," she said. And with that, the invitation I'd been wishing for was granted. Without me really having to manipulate the conversation. Interesting.

"That suits me," I said happily and smiled gently at her. "Bring on the shackles – I'm your prisoner." I laughed as I captured _her_ wrists securely.

"You seem more…optimistic than usual," Bella stated. "I haven't seen you like this before." She'd seen the dark part of me, mostly, until now – anger, frustration. I was just realizing that what I was now, here, in her presence, was closer to the real me than I'd been since my transformation. _What changes you have wrought in me, my love._

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I asked, smiling at her. I'd read about the giddiness that young lovers feel, but really hadn't been able to suspend my disbelief about it. I couldn't relate – till now. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different. More forceful than I'd imagined," she avowed.

"For example," the words pouring out of me now, "the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I grimaced finding myself almost reluctant to admit this to her, but plowed ahead, needing her to see the depth of my feelings. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

"The day you started talking to me again," she nodded. This startling response I filed for future processing as well – that she apparently marked time according to our interactions – as did I.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury that I felt – I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated that usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friends' sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I _tried_ not to care.

"And then the line started forming," I chuckled, remembering Bella's escalating agitation that day with her suitors. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was _right_, moral, ethical, and what I _wanted_. I knew if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or to someone like him. It made me angry.

"And then," the whispered words tumbling out of my mouth, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." I listened for a moment to the stuttering of her heart, concern for her warring with male pride that I'd made her heart stammer.

"But jealousy…it's a strange thing. So much more powerful that I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I shook my head at my absurd feelings.

"I should have known you'd be listening," Bella groaned.

"Of course."

"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" Was that incredulousness in her voice?

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." If she knew about the red light district and its' plans, she'd realize just how much of the human she was drawing out of me.

"But honestly, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie – Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, _Rosalie_ – was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?" Bella was teasing – sort of, I guessed.

"There is no competition." I grinned, and drew her hands around my neck, pressing her curves against my chest. She kept still, and the red light crowd was egging me on. I memorized every sensation greedily. Her warmth stole into me.

"I _know_ there's no competition," she mumbled against me, still disbelieving that her beauty was more of a draw for me than any other. "That's the problem."

"Of course, Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me." I needed Bella to understand – nothing about Rosalie could ever hold me; beauty outside did not mean beauty inside. Bella had both. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind and yours…all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered. "I haven't has to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

"You're right," I answered playfully. "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I freed a hand, still holding onto her wrists about my neck with one, and stroked her hair from her forehead down to her waist. My hand memorized the feel of her hair, the curves of her back. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity…what's that worth?"

"Very little – I don't feel deprived of anything."

"Not yet." My voice reflected my grief for what she would give up to be with me for the rest of her life – any semblance of a normal life, children…

"What-" Bella tried to pull back from me. But at that second, I'd heard Charlie's normally shrouded thoughts give him away. Bella had been right; he was going to check on her. I abruptly let her go and hid under her bed.

"Lie down!" I hissed at her, hoping that she would understand. I heard her movement on the bed, the rustle of her blankets. Just in time.

Charlie cracked her bedroom door open and peered in. I heard Bella's heart racing, and her loud, exaggerated breathing. Charlie contemplated her for a long minute, but decided that he would pretend she was sleeping, if that's the way she wanted it. He closed the door and ambled to his room.

I climbed softly back onto Bella's bed, wrapping an arm around her under the covers.

"You are a terrible actress – I'd say that career path is out for you," I breathed into her ear. Her heart continued to bang away.

"Darn it."

At the rate her heart was beating, she'd never get any sleep tonight. I started humming the song I'd been composing for her.

"Should I sing you to sleep?"

"Right," she laughed quietly. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time," I reminded her with a smirk.

"But I didn't _know_ you were here," she replied sharply.

"So if you don't want to sleep…" Suddenly the red light district had all _sorts_ of suggestions for activities to do while _not_ sleeping.

"If I don't want to sleep…" she encouraged the red light district without even meaning to. I chuckled.

"What do you want to do then?" Oh, my, the suggestiveness in that sentence. I was embracing that mischievous imp. I realized - I _was _the imp, now.

After a long minute, Bella replied, "I'm not sure."

"Tell me when you decide." I slid my nose along her jawbone, inhaling her precious scent.

"I thought you were desensitized," Bella said.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered teasingly. "You have a very floral smell…like lavender, or freesia. It's mouthwatering." Literally. I swallowed venom silently.

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get _somebody_ telling me how edible I smell," she said sarcastically.

I chuckled, then sighed. I really did need to stay away from food analogies.

"I've decided what I want to do," Bella said. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything." I was hers, after all.

She seemed to think about something for moment. "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you…are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

I took a minute to answer. Bella seemed almost too willing to agree that humans were our natural prey – and questioned why we'd reject this fact. Almost as if she could see a necessity in humans being prey. This question had come from other _vampires_ in the past, and they supposedly had a different mind-set. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others – the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot – they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been" -_don't say cursed - _"dealt a certain hand…it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above – to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

No response from Bella. Her breathing and heart rate were normal.

"Did you fall asleep?" I whispered.

"No."

"Is that all you were curious about?"

"Not quite," she answered.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Why can you read minds – why only you? And Alice, seeing the future…why does that happen?"

I shrugged. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory…he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified – like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her.."- _don't say 'bitchiness' to a lady_ - "..tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness." I chuckled. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him – calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift." I wondered for a moment what effect these revelations would have on Bella – I'd not really wanted her around them, but as Esme had pointed out to me, keeping her away from them was selfish. Would Bella now eschew meeting my family?

"Where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"

This was a favorite discussion between myself and Carlisle. Would God have made us? "Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe all this world could have just happened on its' own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight – I'm the baby seal, right?" Stand-up comic Bella. I laughed soundlessly and kissed her hair.

"Right."

A short but comfortable silence lengthened. No more questions?

"Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two."

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I promised her. She smiled brightly.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all."

"I won't leave you."

"One more, then, tonight…" Suddenly, I felt heat emanating from her face. Blushing?

"What is it?" I asked urgently. Her blushes drove me to insanity wanting to know what she was thinking.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

"Bella, you can ask me anything," I tried to reassure her.

No response. I groaned.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse_." I surprised myself with my almost-whine.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" I whispered, cajolingly. She shook her head.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume that it's something much worse than it is," I threatened. "Please?" Persuasively.

"Well.." Bella began – and stopped.

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…Is that…marriage…the same as it is for humans?" she asked so hesitantly.

I had to laugh – while the red light district was consumed. "Is that what you're getting at?" It was entirely endearing that she couldn't even say the word 'sex' out loud.

Bella fidgeted. No answer.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." Well, mostly more powerful desires.

"Oh," was her only response, aside from her erratic heartbeat.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I whispered, teasingly.

"Well, I did wonder…about you and me…someday…" she trailed off.

Instantly sobered, I froze and considered her words. Despite all the carnal thoughts that had roamed through my head since meeting her, I knew that they were fantasies – and never would be more. Never _could_ be more. The red light district, of course, was celebrating Bella's interest. I considered a mental carpet bomb for the lot of them.

"I don't think that…that…would be possible for us." The red light crowd was now loud with catcalls and jeering. I ignored it. Her safety came first.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that…close?" Bella asked timidly.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I slowly lifted a hand and rested it against her cheek. "If I was too hasty…if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly_ breakable_ you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

Her brown eyes considered me gravely for several moments after this revelation. She remained silent. Her mind, as usual, remained obstinately silent.

"Are you scared?" I anxiously asked. Maybe I had frightened her with my confession of my strength and the amount of care I took and would need to take with her. I waited for Bella to tell me to leave, that this was no kind of real relationship to have. I didn't know what I would do or say if that happened.

After a moment, however, she calmly replied, "No. I'm fine."

Abruptly our question game earlier this week ran through my mind, the subject of past boyfriends…Bella had said she'd not felt this way about anyone else, had not wanted anyone in Phoenix…but her questions indicated that she had thought about…sex. Did she have…experiences I knew nothing about? And she'd wondered if we would… the knowledge that she had thought about it – _with me!_ – made me wonder.

Keeping my voice light, I probed. "I'm curious, now, though. Have you ever…?"

Bella blushed furiously. "Of course not. I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," Bella sighed.

I knew exactly what she meant.

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least."

"Your human instincts…" she began, and stopped.

I waited, a patient hunter. And was rewarded. "Well, do you find me attractive, in _that _way, at all?" she asked, a bit petulantly.

Silly girl. Did she really think she was alone in dealing with her lust? I laughed and mussed her slightly damp hair, half-grateful, half-disappointed that I couldn't just _show_ her my feelings. Physically.

"I may not be a human, but I am a man," I confirmed.

Bella yawned. I took the hint.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I ordered.

"I'm not sure if I can."

"Do you want me to leave?" I kept the pout out of my voice. I would come back if so, once she was asleep.

"No!" Bella almost shouted. I laughed, buoyant that she wanted me to stay. I started humming her lullaby. She snuggled back down in the bed, and settled.

She drifted to sleep in my arms, a perfect angel at peace.


	6. Chapter 6 Meeting the Folks

_I would like to thank everyone for waiting for this for so long – I haven't forgotten you, my readers! But RL happens…_

_A bit of a warning – Edward's thoughts have a lemony flavor at times. _

_As usual, Stephenie Meyers own everything Twilight. More power to her._

**Chapter 6: Meeting the Folks**

As Bella slept, one part of my brain poured over every aspect of our day together, trying to assimilate everything that had happened, every nuance of our conversations, every emotion that crossed her lovely features. She was a puzzle, one that intrigued me and one that frustrated me to no end at times. When I looked at her I saw the picture she made – but couldn't identify the individual pieces, couldn't figure out how they fit together to make this perfect, beautiful girl – one that seemed made just for me. A puzzle I'd spend the rest of her life trying to figure out, if she'd let me.

The other part of my brain became harder to handle after the first few hours. The red light district. Like New Orleans at Mardi Gras, it was celebrating without inhibitions. I had to concentrate to _not_ concentrate on the curves of her body lightly touching mine through the blankets. I forced myself not to think about her warmth leeching into my body – and to not wonder what that heat would feel like pressed against _all_ of me – without the blankets as a barrier. A losing battle. Although I'd been spending my nights with her in this room while she slept, having Bella _know_ it, having her _in my arms_, where I'd wanted her for so long now, knowing that she wanted me there, was altogether different.

This difference was made all too clear to me when, in the dark of the night, Bella shifted against my side, and whispered, "Edward" breathlessly. The sound set my nerve endings on fire; I waited to see what she would do or say next. She scooted a bit closer, her heart sped up, and her lips parted with a sigh.

"I love you."

_!!!_

Perfect vampire recall; those three words echoed her voice endlessly in my head. _She loved me!_

And my body began to respond in ways I'd not experienced before, apparently now taking orders from the red light crowd.

Uh oh.

Of course, I knew what was going on – I did have two medical degrees, after all. Simple fluid redirection due to…stimulation. _"I love you"_ echoed in my head.

This did not keep me from feeling guilty and depraved. Nor did it mean I was comfortable with _it_, or felt comfortable with _it_ in Bella's bed. No respectful gentleman would.

I slowly crept from under the covers and sought the rocking chair in the corner. I made some adjustments so sitting wasn't painful, and sought out Charlie's mind, hoping that this would distract me. His dreams were shrouded, just as his thoughts were, but random images of trees and water occasionally flitted through his mind. Not helpful. However, concentrating on the fact that her father _was_ in the next room _was_ helpful.

Bella slept on, although a frown crossed her face, as if she realized I was no longer close to her. However, after a few moments, her heart calmed and her features smoothed. She slept soundly.

A plan for the next day began to take shape, as I watched her sleep. I hoped that she would accept it. Satisfied that she would not wake to find me gone, I crept soundlessly through her window and ran home to change.

I realized on the way that I had failed to inform my family of my triumph yesterday – that Bella survived, that we were together. Then I realized – Alice. She'd probably informed them already, which explained why none of them had tried to contact me. I also remembered the strain between my siblings because of my behavior. I had some work to do to remedy that situation.

Entering the kitchen door, the first of my family to greet me was Carlisle, who gently smiled.

_"I am so proud of you. I knew you had the strength."_ I reached out and hugged him.

"Thank you for your faith. I don't deserve it."

"I think you just proved that statement false, Edward," Carlisle lightly teased, hugging me fiercely.

"I know I've put the family through hell, literally, these last few months. None of you deserved it," I said as I released him and stepped back.

"If you can find happiness with Bella, that makes it worth it. I don't know if you have ever realized how unhappy you have been, how incomplete." Carlisle was adamant. "The rest of the family will be happy that _you_ are happy. Finally." He gripped my shoulder and gave it a shake.

Esme walked into the kitchen, her face lit up with happiness. _"Oh, Edward!"_

I embraced her, and whispered, "Thank you. I'll make it up to all of you."

"You can start by introducing your girlfriend to your family," Esme affirmed.

"Actually, I _was_ going to ask if you would mind if I brought Bella here later this morning," I smiled. Meeting them was part of my plan; Bella had invited me into her life, now she'd be invited into mine.

Esme thoughts became excited. "Of course! Should I-"

"No cooking! We've had that discussion!"

"Oh, all right. At least, not on her first visit," Esme allowed and winked. I grimaced. Then gave in.

"Then I will see you later. I need to talk to the others, then get back."

Esme took my hand and squeezed it gently. "We'll see you soon."

I raced upstairs to shower and change quickly. It was going to be an important day. I reflected on this; with Bella in my life, every day with her was important.

After I'd showered and dressed, I sought out Jasper. I knew speaking to Rosalie right now would be no use, but I had to reassure myself of one thing. I knocked on my brothers' door.

"_Come." _I walked into his room to find him lounging on the couch with a history book. He looked at me expectantly. I hesitated, knowing that I'd recently hurt him with my rude treatment of his friends, my neglect of the family. I needed to do this as much for Bella as for my own relationship with my brother. Emmett was easier to be around – the big genial man just exuded camaraderie. Emmett always was able to pull me out of myself, laugh at myself. However, Jasper and I shared a bond as well – we were a minority within a minority, because of our gifts.

As I dithered, Jasper noted my confusion and raised his eyebrows at me.

"I assume since you are here and not stalking Bella, it's quite important." Jaspers' tone made no bones about his feeling toward me lately. I sighed – this, after all, was my doing. I'd just have to find a way to undo it.

"When you speak to Peter and Charlotte again, I would appreciate it if you could send my apologies, and my hopes to have a better visit next time."

A silent Jasper stared at me. Waiting.

"And I owe you an apology, too. There is nothing I can say that will make you understand what I've been going through –"

"I understand. It doesn't mean I have to like it," he said flatly.

We stared at each other for a long moment. He was carefully keeping his mind a blank, using white noise. I grimaced.

"Your angst is really getting to me, you know."

"I just don't know how to make this…better. I know it looks like I'm choosing Bella over the family, but that's not it. It's more…" I faltered.

"It's that she's your world now. I said I understood. However, that does not free you from the consequences of your choices."

"Jasper, what can I say? Or do?" I was almost pleading with him to help me make this right between us.

"You know fitting in here isn't exactly my strong point." He was alluding to his 'outsider' feelings. As our newest family member, he had his on-edge days – days that it was a sore trial to be near humans and remain in control. This made him feel inferior to the rest of us, despite our protestations.

"I know."

"And what you did exacerbated that." "_You made me feel even more separate, you ass. It was all Alice could do to keep me from grabbing her and heading for the hills."_

I hadn't known that.

"Jasper, I wish I could find a way to make you understand that you belong with us. We want you here for _you_, not just because you are with Alice."

"Nice words."

"I know you can feel when those words are true," I shot at him.

He sighed and looked at the window. "Yes, I know. But you know what they say about actions."

My turn to sigh. Stronger than words. The old axiom.

Then Jasper surprised me. He disliked the dissention in the family as much as I did. Maybe more; although I could hear what the others were thinking, he would _feel_ those thoughts more effectively than I. Thinking about choices, Jasper made one.

"Look, you want to know what to say to me? Start with, 'Jasper, I behaved like a first-class ass. I treated you and your friends like garbage. Let me make it up to you – and them – somehow." He grinned.

I grinned back. "Jasper, I behaved like a first-class ass…"

He waved it off.

"Are we good?" I asked.

"I don't know about good…but definitely better," he replied. "Just think about what you're doing – and not just about how everything will affect Bella." He rolled his eyes.

"By the way, I'm bringing her here later on this morning – hopefully."

"Oh?" "_Alice will love that."_ He was right. She would.

"Yes, and I'm not sure how she'll react to all of us…I would appreciate it if…"I trailed off, not wanting to hurt his feelings –again – but not knowing how to put it.

"If I wasn't too close?" Jasper guessed.

I nodded sheepishly. "Not just you – I'd appreciate everyone giving her space. She smells…"

"Good. I get it. Mouthwatering. Tasty. Delectable even." He was getting a ripe kick from teasing me. For a second, my back went up. Then I deflated – I'd deserved it. But – I reminded myself - I also proved myself against the heavenly scent that was Bella.

"By the way, if you hadn't realized. You lose the bet." I grinned at him.

"Out. Get out. Go back to your obsession, little brother. Before I set Alice on you." He picked up a pillow and flung it at my head. I dodged, grinning still. He grinned back and waved me out.

"I will find a way to make it up to you, Jasper." He nodded.

I ran back to Bella, a weight lifted from me. One brother down, one sister to go. However, any conversation with Rosalie would have to wait. One emotional show-down would be enough today. I did consider several options to deal with my first sibling, not the least of which was just sitting on her till she gave in and accepted Bella.

I climbed back through Bella's window, quickly checking to make sure she still slept peacefully. Her scent ripped down my throat again, reminding me to take care, that just my short absence from her had affected me. I sank into the rocker, and welcomed the pain. I listened while Charlie's alarm woke him just before dawn, then while he quietly got ready for another day of fishing. Charlie closed the front door and a few seconds later I heard a metallic squeak so I peered out, and watched him reach under the hood and reattach the battery cables to her battery. Hmmm. Apparently, I'd been too engrossed in Bella last night – or I'd have heard him while he _un_attached them. I'd have to be careful about that.

Soon after dawn, Bella's eyes indicated that she was dreaming but she remained silent. I resisted waking her up to ask her what she was dreaming about – she needed rest, after her exertions yesterday. However, after a while, her eyelids fluttered open, and she rolled onto her side with a low moan.

"Oh!" she gasped sitting up suddenly, her hair tangled in all directions.

"Your hair looks like a haystack…but I like it." I commented dryly.

"Edward! You stayed!" Bella jumped out of bed and flew into my lap, startling me. Something else I would have to get used to apparently, since I never knew what she was thinking. No one else was able to startle me. I rather liked it.

She froze, staring up into my face, heart thudding, trying to judge my reaction.

"Of course," I said easily, rubbing her back. Where else would I go? She laid her head against my shoulder, and sighed.

"I was sure it was a dream." Ah, so that's what she'd been dreaming about.

"You're not that creative," I mocked.

"Charlie!" She bounded out of my lap and headed for the door.

"He left an hour ago – after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

Bella stood uncertainly before me, indecision warring on her face.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," I stated and held out my arms for her. I decidedly liked her in my lap.

"I need another human minute," she admitted.

"I'll wait." I'd waited all these years, what was five more minutes? She scampered off into the bath. I listened to her pounding heart and erratic breathing while she took her human minute. She returned with hair somewhat tamed and looked at me from the door. I opened my arms again, hoping she would accept the invitation.

She did.

"Welcome back," I purred, wrapping my arms about her. I rocked us in comfortable silence for a time. Then she took in my clothing.

"You left?" she almost accused, touching my shirt collar.

"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in – what would the neighbors think?" I teased.

Bella pouted oh, so cutely.

"You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything. The talking came earlier."

Bella groaned out, "What did you hear?"

Looking into her eyes, not able to hide my yearning to hear them again – not an echo, I said softly, "You said you loved me."

Ducking her head back into my shoulder, Bella murmured, "You knew that already."

"It was nice to hear, just the same." It wasn't prompting. Really.

Bella hid her face against my shoulder and whispered, "I love you."

My still heart soared. "You are my life now."

I rocked us gently as the light outside grew stronger. I loved the feel of her in my arms, her warmth on my lap, her head against my shoulder. I felt I could stay with her this way forever, but her human needs had to be first. Self-appointed vampire guardian angel, back on duty. Then I could get around to asking her to meet my family.

"Breakfast time," I announced.

Bella clutched her throat and widened her eyes at me.

_What?! I frighten her _now_!? After she said she loved me?_

Seeing the shock on my face, Bella snickered. "Kidding! And you said I couldn't act!" Totally pleased with herself.

I frowned. Her sense of humor had more than a touch of the macabre. "That wasn't funny."

"If was very funny, and you know it." But she looked carefully at my face. I relented at the concern in those warm brown eyes.

"Shall I rephrase? Breakfast time for the human."

"Oh, okay."

I decided on vengeance for her little joke. _Play with a vampire, will you, little girl?_ I swiftly picked her up, threw her gently over my shoulder and carried her down the stairs, ignoring her breathless protests. I grinned evilly, enjoying every second. In the kitchen I sat her in a chair.

"What's for breakfast?" she asked brightly, obviously over her protestations at captivity.

I looked blankly at her. I had no idea what she would want or need for breakfast. Some guardian I was. I frowned.

"Er, I'm not sure. What would you like?" I had to at least _try_ to meet these needs. And I had to start learning somewhere.

Bella grinned and bounced out of her chair. "That's all right. I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt."

I watched her find a bowl and a cardboard box of something that smelled vaguely repugnant. She added milk to the concoction. I took notes carefully.

She realized I was watching her and paused, spoon halfway to her mouth. "Can I get you anything?" she asked politely.

"Just eat, Bella," I ordered, rolling my eyes. Although how she could choke down the sludge in that bowl was beyond me. Morbidly curious, I watched as she spooned a bite into her mouth.

Clearing her throat, she asked, "What's on the agenda for today?"

A more perfect opening I couldn't have asked for.

"Hmmm…what would you say to meeting my family?"

Bella gulped, and her heart stuttered, eyes widening.

"Are you afraid now?" I asked. If she was, then after this initial meeting it wouldn't be hard to keep her away from them – which might just be one little decision that kept her from the red-eyed future Alice had seen for her.

"Yes."

"Don't worry. I'll protect you." I smirked. Protection was my forte.

"I'm not afraid of them," she protested. "I'm afraid they won't…like me. Won't they be… well, surprised that you would bring someone…like me…home to meet them? Do they know I know about them?"

"Oh, they know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know" – although I smiled, I know my anger at my brothers showed in my voice – "on whether I'd bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine." I suppressed a sigh. I _was_ betting against Alice – at least on one vision. "At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that."

"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that," she pointed out.

"You paid attention," I beamed at her.

"I've been known to do that every now and then," Bella grimaced. "So, did Alice see me coming?"

This was not a subject I wished to talk about with her – or anyone else for that matter.

"Something like that," I said, turning away from her and looking out the window, making it clear that this was not up for discussion. Although I couldn't read her mind, I could feel her eyes on my back. I'd have to derail her before she could get _really_ curious.

Turning back around, I eyed her breakfast bowl and asked, "Is that any good? Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly…," she murmured, then ignored my scowl, turning back to her bowl of mush. I turned away again, looking out the kitchen window, grasping at straws in my brain for a distraction. Looking out at Charlie's yard, it came quite easily.

Turning around, I beamed a grin at her. "And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

"He already knows you," Bella quickly – too quickly – replied.

"As your boyfriend, I mean." That title would do – for now.

Bella stared at me, suspicion rampant in her eyes. "Why?" she asked after a moment.

"Isn't it customary?" I asked innocently.

"I don't know." She pondered this for a while, and I ached to ask what was going through her mind. "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to…I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."

I favored her with a patient smile. "I'm not pretending."

She pushed the last of her mush around the bowl, avoiding my gaze. I began to wonder if she was ashamed to tell her father – and what she was ashamed about, if so. Me specifically - because of what I am? Or was it just having a boyfriend?

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" I demanded, a little more hotly than I'd intended.

"Is that what you are?" Bella asked in a little voice.

"It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy', I'll admit." But I was not going to agree to having a secret relationship. I would do this the correct, proper way, damn it.

"I was under the impression that you were something more, actually," she said to the table.

I relaxed a bit. So this was her concern? That 'boyfriend' was too casual?

"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details." I reached out and put a finger under her chin, bringing her eyes to mine. "But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put out on me."

"Will you be?" she asked anxiously. "Will you really be here?"

"As long as you want me," I answered assuredly.

"I'll always want you. Forever."

_Forever._

My mind reeled. How could I let this fragile girl know that forever meant something so totally different to us? To Bella, forever meant little – she'd had so little life experience. For her, it would mean for the foreseeable future, a little pocket of time to a vampire. I had no doubt that she meant her words – for now. But in five years? Twenty?

_She may outgrow me._ The insidious thought lodged in my brain. And now what chance or choice – really – did I have? I would stay with her _until she didn't want me any longer_. The possibility was there – and oh, so probable. The thought of it threatened to tear my heart from the confines of my chest. The threat of possible rejection washed through me – and I knew then that my existence, if Bella did outgrow me, would be empty. Without knowing it, I'd spent the last eighty-odd years waiting for _just her_. I felt like a fool; I'd been thinking of how to grow stronger to leave her – and had not given a thought to _her_ leaving _me_.

How could I tolerate that?

I'd worked my way around the table somehow and found my fingers brushing her cheek. She looked up at me, a mixture of concern, vulnerability and longing in her eyes.

"Does that make you sad?" she asked softly.

Sad… I'd often pondered my own immortality, as you can imagine. I had regrets, God knows. I would never be able to forgive myself the decade of 'playing God'. I couldn't expect Him to forgive me. I gazed into the chocolate depths of her eyes, finding it impossible to say anything. Now I was pondering my _mortality_. I knew, now, that my days were numbered. She did not. Nor would she. I had a short amount of time now – and I'd spent every second I could with her, and cherish what memories I could – or would be allowed to – after this life.

"Are you finished?" I finally managed.

"Yes." Bella jumped out of her chair.

"Get dressed – I'll wait here." She raced out of the kitchen, glad, apparently, that our intense moment was past. I listened to her tromp around her room getting ready. I hoped she'd pick blue – my favorite on her. When I heard her come down the stair, she announced "Okay, I'm decent." I met her at the bottom. She bounced right into me, and I steadied her carefully for a moment, then registered what she had chosen to wear. The blue blouse brought out the pale rose hue of her cheeks, her lips. And a skirt! I only wished that her hair was down instead of pulled into the ponytail at the back of her head. I enjoyed a brief fantasy of Bella in a dress from my own time period – of course, in the same blue - and just about melted. I pulled her into my arms, savoring her warmth and scent as it ripped down my throat.

"Wrong again. You are utterly indecent – no one should look so tempting, it's not fair." I couldn't help the longing or seductive tone of my voice. But she apparently missed it.

"Tempting how? I can change…" she said a bit anxiously. I sighed and shook my head. Was she being obtuse on purpose?

"You are so absurd." I pressed my cold lips to her warm forehead and exhaled in happiness. "Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" I traced a cold finger down her spine; I could touch her like this, now, without the fear of hurting her – but not without experiencing my own reaction. Her heart sped. Though the fabric of her clothing separated us, the electricity jumped between our bodies, and my breathing became erratic. Safe touches, yes, but still filled with need, with desire. With my other hand I tilted her head up slowly to mine, wanting nothing more than to press my lips against hers, feel the warmth and the softness of her. Very slowly our lips met.

And Bella collapsed.

Alarmed, I caught her gently and held her up. "Bella?" I was frantic. What had I done? I'd been careful!

"You…made…me….faint," she accused breathily. Her face was bone white, and her lips had taken on a definite bluish tint.

"_What am I going to do with you? _ Yesterday I kiss you and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!" I was not happy with myself – I should have noticed that she'd stopped breathing. Bella was wrong – I was _so_ not good at everything. I'd acted selfishly putting my desires before her safety.

She laughed weakly, struggling against the vertigo and my guilt.

"So much for being good at everything," I sighed. I had a lot to learn, and I was not being patient.

"That's the problem," Bella replied. "You're _too_ good. Far, far too good."

"Do you feel sick?" I remembered yesterday, telling her to put her head between her knees.

"No – that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." She shook her head a bit. "I think I forgot to breathe," she finished apologetically.

"I can't take you anywhere like this." I wasn't willing to sacrifice her comfort for my plans.

"I'm fine," she insisted. "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"

I measured her heart beat carefully – steadying. Her respiration had returned to normal as well. Her eyes weren't glassy or dilated, and were reactive to light. And her skin was returning to its normal creamy paleness – picked up again by her blouse.

"I'm very partial to that color with your skin," I blurted out. Bella blushed, increasing the attractiveness.

"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" she asked plaintively.

"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?" She continued to appall me with her lack of fear for herself.

"That's right," she said with a tiny shock that she tried to hide at my use of the 'v' word.

"You're incredible."

To my great relief, Bella allowed me to drive her truck to my house. I'd reasoned that 1) she had no idea where she was going and 2) she was just getting over her earlier vertigo spell and 3) I promised to keep the speed reasonable to the age of her behemoth. During the ride, she fidgeted a little, and tried to watch everything – me, the road, the trees, the speed gauge. I fought a smile most of the ride. When we turned off the road onto the unpaved drive, Bella took notice, as if she was trying to mark the turning in her mind.

I hoped my home wouldn't disappoint. I'd decided when Esme had finished her restoration of the house that it was my personal favorite of all the homes we'd lived in. Secure, homey but classic…perfect. Three stories and painted a soft white, the rectangular house filled the clearing, but blended with the landscape as well.

As we came into the clearing, I stole a sideways glance at my passenger. Bella's eyes widened.

"Wow," she stated.

"You like it?" I asked, smiling. Just wait until you see the inside, my love.

"It has…a certain charm." Nonchalant Bella. I grinned.

"Ready?" I pulled on the end of her ponytail playfully, then opened her door.

"Not even a little bit – let's go." Bella tried to force a laugh as we got out of the truck and smoothed her hair nervously.

"You look lovely," I reassured her, taking her hand as if I did it all the time.

We walked up to the porch, and I felt tension vibrate through her hand in mine. I rubbed soothing circles on the back of it, fascinated by the thrumming I felt through her skin, and opened the door.

We were greeted by the light, open space of the first floor. Esme had removed many walls to make this space as open and airy as possible, to enjoy as much light as it could. We'd spent too many years occupying the night and the dark – too many places where we'd had to work harder to hide what we were in the day. This was Esme's answer to the dark. The south facing wall was glass, and the other walls, ceilings and floors were varying shades of white.

My parents were waiting for us to the left of the door, standing on the low platform that held my now-second greatest treasure – my piano. Dressed casually, ready to receive, and trying desperately not to scare my love, Carlisle and Esme smiled in welcome. What did I ever do to deserve them, I wondered.

"Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella."

"You're very welcome, Bella," Carlisle said as he slowly approached. His thoughts centered around us, shot with joy at seeing my own happiness. He carefully shook Bella's hand, but he was much more practiced at touching humans gently, and didn't need to concentrate on controlling his own strength so much as the rest of us.

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen," Bella replied.

"Please, call me Carlisle." _"Brave girl. She must be stronger than Edward knows…"_ I'd have to ask him about that thought later.

"Carlisle," Bella repeated, smiling in response. I almost sighed in relief that she'd relaxed and felt welcomed.

My mother stepped up next, offering her hand. "It's very nice to know you," Esme said warmly. "_Complete…she completes us. She's brought the real Edward out."_

"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." Bella responded instantly to my mother's maternal nature. Lord knows she'd not had a lot of mothering in her own life.

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked – quite unnecessarily, as they materialized at the top of the stair.

"Hey, Edward!" Alice chirped then ran down the stairs. To my eyes, she was totally visible – to Bella's however, she would've looked like a black comet. Carlisle and Esme glanced warningly at my little sister as she gracefully slid to a stop before Bella. But of course, Alice ignored the looks – and my increasing temper.

"Hi, Bella!" Alice chimed and leaned in to quickly kiss Bella's cheek. Esme and Carlisle looked quite taken aback.

I was far beyond taken aback. _Alice was too close_ – she represented a potential threat to Bella's welfare. And it was _her_ vision of _her_ future best friend…

"You do smell nice, I never noticed before," Alice commented offhandedly to Bella, who glanced uncomfortably at me. My ire rose more. Alice then directed inner commentary to me.

"_Brother, you have got to calm down. You know, nice people _share_…"_ I considered yanking Alice away by the arms from Bella – since I wouldn't have to careful with _Alice_ - but she showed me the results of _that_ plan – not good. For any of us, but especially not good for Bella.

Jasper had joined us by this time, and flooded the space with calming emotions. Against my will, I abandoned any plans for Alice's arms - I'd get him back later. However, he did earn points for relaxing Bella. Her expression reflected gladness and hope.

"Hello, Bella," Jasper said, the Texan accent almost undetectable. He kept his distance – "_Edward, you're being an ass - again"_ – and didn't offer her his hand. I don't know what I would have done or said if he had. I was just glad he didn't.

"Hello, Jasper," Bella smiled shyly at him, and then turned her smile to all in the room. "It's nice to meet you all – you have a very beautiful home."

"Thank you," Esme replied. "We're so glad you came." Her tone echoed her thoughts. _"So glad that things worked out yesterday! That Edward was strong enough!" _I almost rolled my eyes at her.

Carlisle caught my eye then. "_Edward, Rose is…being Rose. Emmett is dealing with her. Or trying to. They won't return until later tonight. I don't have to tell you I don't like dissention in the family. We need to talk later to discover how to handle this."_ I nodded once. I would talk – we all would, hopefully. But nothing was going to get Rosalie to admit that she was jealous of a _human_ and I certainly wasn't going to tell Emmett – or any other family member. I liked my cars – and my piano – just the way they were, thank you very much. I considered another idea then; would Rosalie try to take out her frustrations on Bella? I trusted my sister enough to say no, not _physically_…but in other ways, she most likely would. That would be a bridge we'd have to cross eventually.

"_Edward, there's something else, as well. Alice saw three vampires coming to our area soon. They looked like the typical nomads, she said. She also said she didn't notice any violence associated with them, but we should be on the lookout for them."_

I nodded again, already making plans for Bella's safety. The nights, of course, I'd be in her room. I hoped that these nomads didn't stay for long. If they did, I'd have to make contingency plans for hunting.

While Carlisle and I'd been having our silent conversation, Bella had been studying my piano for a moment, and Esme noticed her glances.

"Do you play?" she asked Bella.

"Not at all," Bella shook her lovely head. "But it's so beautiful. Is it yours?"

My mother laughed a little. "No. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"

I tried to look innocent while Bella narrowed her eyes in my direction. Kitten-rage was so adorable on her. I reflected that this visit was going better than I'd imagined. Even considering that my brother had had to emotionally gas me.

"No. I should have known, I guess," Bella replied.

Esme looked at Bella in confusion. "_Known?"_

"Edward can do everything, right?" she said with a little shrug.

Jasper snickered – "_Everything? Something you want to share, little brother?"_ - while Emse shot me a reproving look.

"I hope you haven't been showing off," Esme admonished. "It's rude."

"Just a bit," I laughed easily, and Esme softened at my attitude. She just couldn't be unhappy when I was so pleased. We smiled at one another – hers just a little smug.

"He's been too modest, actually," Bella stated on my behalf.

"Well, play for her," Esme suggested. Well, almost commanded.

"You just said showing off was rude," I playfully objected.

"There are exceptions to every rule." Esme was adamant. "_Play her song for her."_

"I'd like to hear you play," Bella said.

"It's settled then," Esme said, pushing me to the bench at my piano. I pulled Bella along and settled her beside me, giving her an exasperated look for siding with my mother against me so quickly. That would be all I needed, Bella and Esme ganged up on me…although having the love of my existence and my mother at odds was a worse scenario. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars. I turned toward the keys.

I decided to that Esme's favorite would come first – to honor her for welcoming Bella so wonderfully. My fingers flew over the keys for a few moments, eyes half closed. I heard a low chuckle behind us. I glanced at my love and was charmed to see her reaction – eyes wide, mouth open in astonishment. I grinned and winked at her, still playing.

"Do you like it?" I asked.

"You wrote this?" she gasped.

I nodded. "It's Esme's favorite."

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head.

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant."

Unacceptable.

I slowed my fingers on the keys, and bridged over to the song I'd composed for Bella. She'd heard me hum it, but it would be different using the piano. She was the most significant thing that had happened to me – ever. My music was just a pale expression of that significance. As the music filled the air, my family melted away into other parts of the house, their thoughts happy.

"You inspired this one," I said to her softly.

Bella was silent and wide eyed.

"They like you, you know. Esme especially," I continued conversationally.

"Where did they go?" Bella said, glancing around at the now empty room.

"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose."

Bella sighed. "_They_ like me. But Rosalie and Emmett…" Bella seemed doubtful, understanding that my siblings absence meant something. I frowned. Way too perceptive Bella.

"Don't worry about Rosalie," I reassured her. "She'll come around."

Bella's expression was skeptical. "Emmett?"

"Well, he thinks _I'm_ a lunatic, it's true. But he doesn't have a problem with you. He's trying to reason with Rosalie." _And good luck with that one, brother._

"What is it that upsets her?" Bella wondered hesitantly.

I sighed. This wasn't going to be easy – and mostly wasn't my story to tell. I hoped Bella never heard it. "Rosalie struggles the most with…with what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth. And she's a little jealous." I hoped by telling her this, Bella would understand a bit more about my sister's complex psyche.

"_Rosalie_ is jealous of me?" Bella asked incredulously.

"You're human," I shrugged. "She wishes she were, too." I carefully left out the other part of the jealousy that burned through Rosalie.

"Oh," Bella murmured. "Even Jasper, though…" Obviously, she'd noted Jasper's careful reserve, his lack of conversation.

"That's really my fault. I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."

Bella looked pensive for a moment, then shuddered. She quickly tried to hide whatever thought she'd had with another question about my family.

"Esme and Carlisle…?"

"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me… She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction." I smiled inwardly at my mother, who was at this moment, thinking about a…new house?

"Alice seems very…enthusiastic," Bella noted.

"Alice has her own way of looking at things," I said tightly.

"And you're not going to explain that, are you?"

I played on, her lullaby filling the room. We looked at each other a moment, both of us knowing I was hiding something. And both of us knowing I wasn't about to share it. I wondered about her reaction to this – that there were still secrets I would keep from her. I hoped she would realize that by doing so, I was assuring her safety.

Then again, knowing Bella and her disregard for her own wellbeing…

"So what was Carlisle telling you?" she asked, changing the subject.

"You noticed that, did you?" I couldn't help but frown a bit. Too perceptive. I'd have to be on my toes.

"Of course," she shrugged.

I looked at her for a few moments and decided she didn't need to hear about Rosalie and Emmett. We'd already discussed Rosalie's temperament. "He wanted to tell me some news – he didn't know if it was something I would share with you."

"Will you?"

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little….overbearingly protective over the next few days – or weeks – and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here, and they're curious."

"Visitors?"

"Yes…well, they aren't like us, of course – in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone."

She shivered.

"Finally, a rational response!" I murmured. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."

She looked away, letting my sarcasm slide. Her gaze slid around the large, white room.

"Not what you expected, is it?" I asked.

"No."

"No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you," I teased slyly.

"It's so light…so open," Bella murmured.

"It's the one place we never have to hide." Home. The thought brought out more emotion in my playing and I finished Bella's lullaby on a poignant note that lingered.

"Thank you," she murmured and dabbed surreptitiously at her eyes. I carefully reached out and touched the corner of her eye, catching a tiny tear. _Essence of Bella._ Quickly, I tasted it and drowned briefly in the flavor exploding over my tongue. I gazed into questioning chocolate depths for a long moment and smiled.

"Do you want to see the rest of the house?" I asked.

"No coffins?" Slightly sarcastic Bella. I laughed and led her away from the piano.

"No coffins."

I led her up the stair and watched as she took everything in like a sponge; the matching wood of the stair and floor, the long paneled hall that held our private spaces.

"Rosalie and Emmett's room…Carlisle's office…Alice's room…" I named off my family's living quarters as we passed.

Bella stopped dead at the end of the hall, staring at the huge wooden cross that had come to this continent with Carlisle. Bella looked startled and I chuckled – the mythology of vampires being 'allergic' to this symbol was one we'd started ourselves, just to keep the human population happy.

"You can laugh. It_ is_ sort of ironic," I told her.

She didn't and instead reached a hand out as if to touch it, but didn't make contact.

"It must be very old," she said.

"Early sixteen-thirties, more or less," I responded lightly, shrugging.

She looked at me with incredulity painted on her face. "Why do you keep this here?"

"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father." The icon was a reminder of his beliefs, his past.

"He collected antiques?" she asked a bit dubiously. Ah, my little detective now. Bella was wondering how old Carlisle was. I plunged ahead, wondering what effect the answer would have.

"No. He carved this himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."

Her shock was apparent, although she turned to look at the icon again, and tried to compose her face. I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd been doing some mental calculations, and the silence stretched on.

"Are you all right?" I asked, concern in my voice.

"How old is Carlisle?" she asked for verification.

"He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty-second birthday," I said, and watched her expression carefully. Would this evidence of our nature be the grain of sand that tipped the hourglass? She looked at me with chocolate eyes filled with questions. Wanting her to understand about us – and me – so much made me answer truthfully. The story I was about to unfold for her was horrific – and yet, outlined my adopted father's courage and fiber. I wanted to share this with her – and yet dreaded it as well.

"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes," I said, wondering just how many shocks she could take. "Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though."  
Bella strove for composure, and to a normal human, she would have appeared to have achieved it. However, to my eye, the tension was evident in the set of her lips. I was getting better and better at reading her lovely face – since that was my only window to her thoughts. I went on with an abbreviated version of my adopted father's history.

"He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man." It often surprised me that Carlisle was as compassionate as he was, having this man for a father. Nature, in this case, seems to have won out over Nurture. "As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his prosecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves…and vampires." Bella grew still at this, but didn't interrupt. "They burned a lot of innocent people – of course the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch.

"When the pastor grew old, he placed his obedient son in charge of the raids. At first, Carlisle was a disappointment; he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out at night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends that was the way many lived." In so many ways was my family lucky – all because of the man I was talking about. Forced to live that way… I know that it would have been less than tolerable for me.

"The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course" – I had to laugh at the humans who thought they could overpower an actual vampire, even an old and hungry one – "and waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged. He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets, and Carlisle – he was twenty-three and very fast – was in the lead pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so he turned and attacked. He fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street." She did not need to know the description my father gave for his wounds – and the pain.

"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned – anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered.

"It was over then, and he realized what he had become."

I looked at Bella, and watched a myriad of emotions fly across her face. Stunned and curious, her heart was beating a mite too loudly.

"How are you feeling?" I asked anxiously, wondering if this would be when she asked me to take her home – and tell me to forget about her. I forgot about her penchant for surprising me.

"I'm fine," she said calmly, although she bit her lip. She looked into my eyes, and I could almost see the questions piling up in hers.

I smiled – my brave little woman-child. "I expect you have a few more questions for me."

"A few," she said.

I took her by the hand, relishing the fact that I could – her fingers wound through mine and warmth spread like joy through me. I pulled her back down the hall towards my father's study.

"Come on then. I'll show you."


End file.
